Winter Moons

These clear autumn nights are so striking. The moon is incredibly bright and the sky such a rich shade of deepest blue. The naked trees frame the sky so nicely. The moon has begun to wane, from the top from where I am. Mars is a little above the moon, a red twinkle in the sky.

I can't quite pinpoint the feeling I get from these kinds of night skies. They do leave quite an impression on me. There is something lonely about them. I want to reach up and pat the moon, tell her she is not alone. I think what it is about these skies that is so striking is that they are hints of a long, dark, lonely winter. The time of the year to hibernate, save energies and reflect on the past year, to do that serious work if it needs doing. The kind of work only you can do. I am always left reflecting after gazing at such a moon in a clear, winter sky. Maybe it's just this time of year.

Ole Wolfie

I just got back from Wolf's going away party, and I'm feeling pretty bummed. It was fun, I enjoyed hanging out with everyone, but it just made it so real! He's actually leaving!

Wolf is a pretty special guy, and I've really come to love and appreciate him this past year. My circumstances coming here were a little weird and my new home was almost totally ruined for me after Owl and I split. The only people I knew in town besides him were Rabbit and Wolf. I really feel that if it wasn't for the two of them, I wouldn't have stayed here. They made it feel more like home! It took me a little while to really warm up to them, especially considering their connection to Owl, but it didn't take me long to realize that we all had a special connection. It seems we come from the same tribe, and it feels really good to find your people! It also didn't take long for me to start considering Wolf the big brother I always wanted and never had. He said to Rabbit that I was like the little sister he could pick on. He's lucky I'm so forgiving! hehe! I am deeply grateful to have such a friend as Wolf. After the night when I kept him up late talking with Rabbit, then called him on my way home to ask him to help me push my car out of the street (he was there in five minutes!) even though he had to be up super early AND Rabbit was moving the very next morning, it really hit me what a great friend I've got. Not that I didn't already know of course, but some moments just really remind you of what you've got. Under that wild man look (hehe!), he's got a very good heart that really cares. He's a good, warm soul. I will miss him terribly!! Wolf and Rabbit: I've never had friends before who felt like my real family. You two are definitely the family of my heart. I love you!!

Socializing and lack of sleep

I am just exhausted, from too much socializing. Or, much more than I am used to anyway. I keep staying up way too late even though I know I have to get up at 5:30. After several days of this, I'm now really feeling it. Thank goodness I have all day to recuperate! It's been good though, actually getting out and doing stuff. I went to a party (woh, I never go to parties) on Friday night for a bunch of people I work with who are moving away. It was a good time for sure, with a big fire (what a beautiful night!), special "superpowers" and cool people. I stayed out by the fire for most of the night, winter isn't so bad as long as you've got a warm fire to sit by.

Wolf will be joining Rabbit in the big city in a couple of days, so I've been bummed out today. I cried a little this morning before I went to work :-( I'll miss old Wolfie! There's a going away party tonight for him that I'm going to go to. It'll be interesting I'm sure.

I've been missing Pine lately, I'm really looking forward to seeing him again, hopefully soon! I have hopelessly fallen for him and am already distracted. It's crazy. I've learned that you definitely can't just plan these things, life just happens whether or not you want it to. And that is okay with me.

More Love, and Kale!

I just had a good conversation with a great friend of mine (haven't yet picked a cool fake name yet ;-) during which we discussed the limitations of the English language as far as the word 'love' goes. We only have one word for love and we apply it to all kinds of love: familial love, friend love, passionate love, love for inanimate objects and ideas etc etc. He told me that the Greek language has four words for love. How cool is that?!

I picked up some kale at the farmers' market yesterday. I haven't had a whole lot of experience with kale, either eating it or cooking with it. I like it! Last night I made a dinner of it with carrots and broccoli, all steamed together. I added a homemade tahini sauce and some lemon pepper, it was quite yummy! I'm always happy to learn that I like something that is so good for you. It doesn't get much better than those dark leafy greens! According to NutritionData, one cup of raw kale has over 200% of your daily dose of vitamin A, over 100% vitamin C and 9% calcium. They didn't have options for steamed kale, only boiled. I know cooking affects how many nutrients are available to your body (sometimes making more or less nutrients available) and I'd be interested in seeing the difference between steamed and boiled. Anyways, woo kale!

Ok, end nerdiness.

Love

Why are men so damn distracting? Sigh. I've never before had to deal with seriously liking more than one man at a time. Well, okay, in love with one and REALLY "in like" with another one. It's very strange. I find my brain pairing the two of them up with me, pinning them up against a wall, looking at their faces and watching our scenes play. How each of them is to me, the things they say and do. How they are the same, how they are different. My history with Owl, my present with Pine. I think about what a future with either one of them would be like. I wonder if I will ever have to choose. I don't like thinking about that, so I don't always get too far. I miss Owl so much and I am sad that we didn't have much of a chance (sometimes I think I'd like to try it again). I am excited about this thing with Pine at the same time though. I am really fighting this "one true love" idea that our society perpetuates. I think that we are capable of loving many people, and we do. A lot of people just remain in long-term monogamous relationships. So, I'm trying to chill out and enjoy this present moment with Pine, because there is no reason why I should keep myself from experiencing love with other people. There is so much loving to do! (as cheesy as that sounds...) Just because I love one person does not mean I cannot love another. At this moment in time, I don't think I would be able to fully give my heart to one person. I am okay with that.

Into the Wild

Yesterday I went to go see Into the Wild. Both Wolf and Rabbit had given it rave reviews a couple of weeks ago, saying it was definitely the best movie they had seen this year. And these guys watch A LOT of movies, so....I figured I could trust them. I was not led astray! My expectations were even set too low. It was amazing! Everything about this movie I loved. The way it was filmed, the acting, the characters, the settings, the narration. It definitely evoked in me more emotion than any film I have ever watched before. I even cried. Several times. Movies very rarely make me cry. Although I know that part of it is because of my own experiences and where I am in my life that made it very easy for me to relate to the main character, Chris McCandless. A few of the scenes I remember in detail that evoked some serious emotion for me. One in which Chris is running amongst a herd of wild elk in Alaska, smiling and laughing, another in which he comes into a beautiful Alaskan valley with majestic snow covered mountains encircling him. He throws his head back, opens wide his arms and at that moment I could feel the freedom that comes with being in such a place, being SO far away. And the insights! He meets some neat people along the way and affects them in a profound way, giving them such amazing insights. I heard myself saying during these moments, through the tears "Yes! Yes! This is what it's about!" I didn't even want to get up and leave after it was over. There was just so much to process. I mean, that could be me, the way he felt about the world, society and what is REALLY important in this life. It all made perfect sense to me, and really made me think about what the hell I am doing. It made me feel sad, excited, angry, frustrated, bewildered, and so full, full of what, I'm not sure. Full of the weight of the world maybe, the pain that this world brings. Sometimes it just hurts. When I got home, I sat down and just started crying. I wasn't even sure why. I came to the conclusion that it was the pain of this fake world, this crazy world that I don't feel I belong in, that makes no sense to me and yet is all I know. I feel like I'm missing something, something that I have never had, a lifestyle completely different than what I know now. It wasn't always like this!

I'm not really sure what else to say. Although I am happy that I went by myself. That was the first time I had ever gone to a movie alone, and it was awesome! I don't think I would have had the same experience had I been with someone else. It was almost liberating, going alone.

I'd love to read the book sometime. I do have a copy at my parents' house I'll have to pick up the next time I'm there. The photo is a self-portrait of the real Christopher McCandless taken in Alaska.

Quotes from the movie
Quotes from the book

Books on Paganism

Just a list of books I'm interested in reading or at least thumbing through that have to do with Paganism, Wicca and spirituality. I have created this list from the resources sections of Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler and Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religions by Joyce and River Higginbotham.

Real Magic by Issac Bonewits
Working Inside Out: Tools for Change by Margo Adair
Daughters of Copper Woman by Anne Cameron
A Witches Bible by Janet and Stewart Farrar
The Sea Priestess by Dion Fortune
Witchcraft Today (pdf) by Gerald B. Gardner
The Meaning of Witchcraft by Gerald B. Gardner
Witchcraft, the Sixth Sense by Justine Glass
Womanspirit Rising: A Feminist Reader in Religion by Carol P. Christ and Judith Plaskow
Changing of the Gods: Feminism and the End of Traditional Religions by Naomi Goldenberg
The White Goddess by Robert Graves
Woman and Nature: The Roaring Inside Her by Susan Griffin
Mother Wit: A Feminist Guide to Psychic Development by Diane Mariechild
The New Polytheism by David Miller
The Witch Cult in Western Europe by Margaret A. Murray
The Nag Hammadi Library
The Spiral Dance by Starhawk
An ABC of Witchcraft Past and Present by Doreen Valiente
Positive Magic: Ancient Metaphysical Techniques for Modern Lives by Marion Weinstein
The Grandmother of Time: A Woman's Book of Celebrations, Spells, and Sacred Objects for Every Month of the Year by Zsuzsanna Budapest
Celebrate the Earth: A Year of Holidays in the Pagan Tradition by Laurie Cabot
Wheel of the Year: Living the Magical Life by Pauline Campanelli
To Ride a Silver Broomstick by Silver Ravenwolf
The Pagan Book of Living and Dying by Starhawk
Dancing with the Wheel by Sun Bear, Wabun Wind, and Crysalis Mulligan
When God was a Woman by Merlin Stone
The Encyclopedia of Witches and Witchcraft by Rosemary Guiley
Wholeness and the Implicate Order by David Bohm
The Perennial Philosophy by Aldous Huxley
Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain
Modern Sex Magick: Secrets of Erotic Spirituality by Donald Michael Kraig
Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham

Work Stresses and Rabbit

I've been feeling down the last couple of days, and I think a lot of it has to do with work. I am SO over that place! It's cool and all, but the politics and drama and ridiculousness are all getting to be too much. I'm just getting so frustrated with how things are there, it's just not worth it anymore. Especially considering what I am getting paid. I'm just bummed that even though it's a cool place, it has so many issues and being there just makes me unhappy. So, onwards and upwards! I've been applying at other places around town, mostly downtown. I'm trying to decide whether or not I should sell out and work for the man, although I would much rather work for another local place. We'll see. It's not too urgent that I leave my current job, so I'm not too stressed about finding another one. I did just snag a gig cleaning someone's shop and house once a week, which will give me a little extra cash. It's not much, but every little bit counts.

I am really starting to feel Rabbit's absence. I miss having a girlfriend around! We had a long phone conversation on my way home from St. Louis on Saturday, which was great! It was really nice to catch up and talk about some things that are important to both of us. I am deeply grateful for Rabbit, it's been awesome getting to know her and discovering that we have a lot in common. I feel especially connected with her because we are walking the same paths in our lives right now. Feeling things out, learning, exploring. I'm happy to have someone with whom I can share my feelings, questions and thoughts about our Pagan explorations, without feeling like such an amateur. There are other friends I can talk with about Paganism, but since we are both just getting into it, I feel more comfortable discussing it with Rabbit. Also, it's been such a blessing having someone around who is having the same feelings of fear, frustration, confusion and bewilderment about life in general as I do. I feel much less alone knowing that. And we can talk about these things! That's especially important.

I started on a new jigsaw puzzle last night. Woo geekitude!

How sweet would this be?? Why do we have to be so puritanical in this country?

Fun in St. Louis

Last week I headed to St. Louis for several days for a much needed break from the monotony and frustration of the mundane world. Most of the week I spent with Pine at his cute, cozy house in the 'burbs, just relaxing and enjoying getting to know him more. It is much quieter at his house than mine, so I had lots of good, uninterrupted sleep and I slept in quite late most mornings, which was rather unintentional, but nice for a change. We geeked out a lot with jigsaw puzzles, video games, looking stuff up on Wikipedia and playing with legos. There were plenty of other kinds of fun as well, but I will spare you all the details...

One afternoon Pine and I went to Laumeier Sculpture Park, which was lots of fun. We just wandered all about and climbed on things we weren't supposed to climb on. I'm actually in one of the sculptures at the park in this photo. It was a nice, warm afternoon and I had fun wandering about and playing in the woods with Pine. We were a little spontaneous after the park and decided to head down to the loop to meet up with Willow, whom I just had to see while I was in town! On the way, Pine showed me one of his favorite spots on the WashU campus, "the tree". It was a nice little spot to relax for a bit. So, I met up with Willow and we ate at the awesome falafel place that we both love and had some girl time to catch up before Pine came back (he went home to collect his fire gear). It was great! The food was good too, mmmtabbouleh.... Then Pine and Willow were introduced, and it went well. I think she already has a higher opinion of Pine than she does of Owl. That's not very shocking really.

Then it was fire time! We met up with one of Pine's friends and they played with their fire toys while Willow and I watched and giggled. It was so awesome! I had of course seen Pine eat fire before, but this was the first time I had seen him spin poi. I was quite impressed, and even more turned on ;-) There are some photos on my flickr, although they definitely don't convey the excitement of watching fire spinning in person, but...they'll do. Both Pine and his friend were fun to watch, they performed some pretty neat tricks. It was just a nice evening getting to spend some time with Willow and being so graciously entertained by Pine and his cool friend. I was quite happy that Willow and Pine got along so well. It seems she thinks he is a good pick, yay!

The next evening, Friday, Pine and I stayed in and had fun together. We rolled for a little while, and it was definitely an experience. I didn't feel the physical sensations as strongly as I expected, but I definitely opened up more emotionally. We spent a lot of time talking and being totally honest. It was as if the barriers I have put up were temporarily broken down. I got a little emotional about Owl and clued Pine in on some of what I have been feeling, things I had been keeping quiet about. I think he was surprised at a sudden, unexpected outpouring of emotion. I don't know if I was ready or not to tell him those things, but...I don't feel regret. In that moment I felt very safe, and comfortable with Pine. It was reassuring that he was very much in that moment with me and was able to share with me as well. I think we've had similar experiences with love, and for some reason that made me feel glad. He has never made me feel bad for still loving someone else, nor has he ever made me feel pressured to do or say or be anything. Also, there is nothing expected, and that is a good feeling. So far we have just been in the moment, and that is working rather well. So, back to Friday night...mostly we just sat on the couch in candlelight listening to chill music and enjoying each other. We talked a lot, about a lot of things I don't remember, and of course touched a lot. We had picked up some strawberries earlier in the evening and they were a very good investment. I've never had more fun being fed strawberries, or feeding strawberries to someone else. Mmm! :-D

It was a GREAT week, I so needed to get away from my little world here, as it can really bring me down sometimes. It wasn't too hard coming back, but our little fake world really is mundane.

Pine as Fire Eater

I had never thought much about fire eating before I met Pine, nor had I ever seen anyone doing it in person. Since I have seen it with my own eyes now, I think it's pretty damn hot. More so than I probably would have thought had I ever really thought about fire eating before. I'm not sure what's so hot about it, well...that's not totally true. It can be quite suggestive....and I guess the risk involved turns me on a little too. Pine demonstrated his fire eating skills for me when we went camping together for the first time a few weeks ago, and I tell you what, that was it for me. I was easy pickin' after that. Thinking about his performance that evening still gives me butterflies. I suppose around other people he probably isn't quite as suggestive with it, but...whew. He sure knows how to make a girl blush. Combine that with his fire eating talents and....yeah...I swoon. Is that silly?

Owl Love

I just talked with dearest Owl. Le sigh. I love that man. I can't help it. This is a kind of love that doesn't go away, that just grows stronger as time goes on, no matter what I try to do to forget it. It amazes me how limitless and forgiving this love has proved to be, despite all the pain that is attached to it. Love can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be a great, hurtful burden. Sometimes it is both things at once, and I have felt that duality more than a few times this past year. I feel like I am being torn in different directions. At times I feel my love for this man wash over me, I get lost in daydreams and I want nothing else but to be with him again. I remember the sweetest moments, the kindest words, the times when the world dissolved, and I play them over and over in my head. At other times the pain of our separation seems overwhelming and I can't make sense of any of it. Did all of that really happen? Was that happiness just a dream? And yet at other times I remember all the crazy stuff that happened between us and I rationalize with my heart, I think and analyze instead of feel. I think about the things he did that hurt me, the things he said that made me cry, all those hurtful little moments. I tell myself that I deserve better, and I do. But what about second chances? How do you just give up on a love like that? I don't know! I just don't know. There is nothing else to do except to just keep going. Just keep taking steps, living my life. Despite the fact that I am still in love with him and that he still loves me, I have to keep going, for my own sake. I already know this and have been making great progress these past few months. These random phone conversations just cause me to reflect and they almost always serve to remind me of how much I still love him. I can't forget him, and I don't ever want to. He will always hold a piece of my heart, my dear Owl, coyote trickster, wild Scorpio, mad laughing artist and beautiful being.

This is a testimonial I wrote for him on another site:
"Oh boy, are you in for a wild ride! This man will make you laugh til you cry (or pee your pants, he'll even pee his pants to make you laugh!), he will show you beauty that you have missed, he will lead you into the wilds and pour out his extensive knowledge of the natural world without getting you lost, he will share with you his wisdom, he will listen to you, he will delight you with tales true and exaggerated, he will show you a good time that won't soon be forgotten and he will definitely color your world. All of this just over a cup of tea! No one has ever made me laugh as much and as often, no one has ever inspired me more, no one has left as unique a mark on my life as he. I am deeply grateful for this man, my dear, wise Owl, coyote trickster, wild Scorpio, master gardener, talented musician and artist extraordinaire, jester of many stripes, mad hatter, storyteller divine and beautiful being. My dearest Owl, you will always have a piece of my heart."

Wisdom

Copied from my old blog: a collection of quotes and poems I come to when I need inspiration, a reality check or some positive affirmation. I welcome suggestions!

• “To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better…To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
  -Ralph Waldo Emerson
• The time is right to mix sentences with dirt and the sun with punctuation and the rain with verbs, and for worms to pass through question marks, and the stars to shine down on budding nouns, and the dew to form on paragraphs.
  -Richard Brautigan, Please Plant This Book
• To be of the Earth is to know
  the restlessness of being a seed
  the darkness of being planted
  the struggle toward the light
  the pain of growth into the light
  the joy of bursting and bearing fruit
  the love of being food for someone
  the scattering of your seeds
  the decay of the seasons
  the mystery of death
  and the miracle of birth.
  -John Soos
• “The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”
  -Gandhi
• “But for the sake of some little mouthful of flesh, we deprive a soul of the sun and light, and of that proportion of life and time they had been born to enjoy.”
  -Plutarch, Moralia
• “When the earth is ravaged and the animals are dying, a new tribe of people shall come unto the earth from many colors, classes, creeds, and who by their actions and deeds shall make the earth green again. They will be known as the warriors of the Rainbow”
  -Old Native American Prophecy
• “Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it.
  Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”
  -Goethe
• “What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.”
  -Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator
• “We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.”
  -Native American Proverb
• “The difference between loneliness and solitude is your perception of who you are alone with and who made the choice.”
  -anonymous
• "You are the only person who can forgive yourself. Once that forgiving has taken place, you can then console yourself with the knowledge that a diamond is the result of extreme pressure ... The pressure can make you something quite precious, quite wonderful, quite beautiful and extremely hard."
  -Maya Angelou
• "I found God in myself and I loved her fiercely."
  -Ntozake Shange
• There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
  There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
  There is society, where none intrudes,
  By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
  I love not man the less, but Nature more,
  From these our interviews, in which I steal
  From all I may be, or have been before,
  To mingle with the Universe, and feel
  What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.
  -Lord Byron
• "I will age ungracefully until I become an old woman in a small garden, doing whatever the hell I want."
  -Robin Chotzinoff

Merry Samhain!

I wanted to share the Samhain love:
-the Wikipedia entry
-Samhain on Chalice Centre
-Samhain lore on wicca.com

Wolf likes to say that you can always tell which Pagans are either brand new or just being posers when they pronounce Samhain the way it looks, instead of "sow-in". Ha.

I see this as a time to reflect on the experiences and adventures of the past year and to prepare for the coming winter (read: the cold and dark). I think winter can be a time of regeneration and renewal and Samhain marks the beginning of this time. As the weather cools, I will be spending more time inside and less time running around. This will give me a chance to do some serious thinking and reflecting. At least that's what I'd like this winter's focus to be. As much as I will miss the summer, the warmth and the sun, having less distractions will be a good opportunity for me.

Many people see Samhain as a time to communicate with departed loved ones, as it is when the veil between the two worlds is the thinnest (the other times being May Day and Midsummer). Samhain eve always seems rather witchy to me, and a great time to be out in the woods! This has not been a focus for me this year though, since I have thankfully not lost anyone close to me.

Unfortunately I did not do much of all for Samhain. Rabbit, Wolf and I had planned to go out to the woods, have a fire and play around. Rabbit and I were even going to dress up as faeries (well, I was going to be a woodland pixie). We ended up just hanging out and watching a movie like we normally do since Rabbit still had things to prepare for her move (she left today!). There is always next year, right?