Peregrinating Plant Girl

It's raining frozen broccoli!

2009-01-24T17:57:00.002-06:00

Not much motivation to write...things at the BFC go on as usual. It is slow around here, with very few new volunteers. Still no buffalo out of the park, so we are still spending most of our time around the cabin. The winter is becoming less severe. We all hope for more snow, but we haven't gotten much in the past few weeks. A lot of sunny days though, which has been nice. I spent a couple of afternoons digging out a nice sized snow cave, although it has been gradually sinking (as snow will do) and without any new snow on top I haven't yet opened it up again. I'm hoping for a big snow soon so I can actually use it. This may sound strange, but I have an elk head waiting for me to cut the ears off to make pouches (the rest of the elk is in the freezer, it will feed many volunteers, thank you mama elk). It will be interesting.

As it is right now, there are a great deal more men here at the campaign than women (not counting our several female neighbors, who aren't directly involved with the BFC). So far this season, I've been dealing with it fairly well. However, my BFC gal pal (one of the 3 female volunteers here) recently took an unexpected trip back home for possibly a month. Just today I have started to really feel the need for more female energy. It really does make a difference. I enjoy hanging out with the guys here, in fact a few of them are becoming more dear to me, but it's just not the same. Sigh (oh so dramatic, ha). I hope she comes back soon.

This is quite strange...there is a plan in the works to make a reality tv show featuring the BFC. The man interested in producing it has already proposed the idea to a major network (I don't know which one) and they liked it, so they're sending him out to do interviews. It supposedly would bring in a good deal of money for the campaign, which is great, but I personally think it is a bad idea. We'll see what comes of it...

A Beautiful Winter

2008-12-30T10:58:00.005-06:00

I have never known winter to be so beautiful! I have fallen in love with Montana all over again. Although now it is because of the pure, white snow blanketing the ground and the trees, the amazingly clear night skies (the coldest nights) which provide a wonderful view of the Milky Way and the deep, deep quiet of the forest in winter. I was worried before I arrived for the season that I might not be able to handle Montana winters, but so far I am doing quite well and am adjusting much more easily than I thought I would. I am enjoying this winter more than any I have experienced in Missouri. I am happy here, even when my fingers are cold ;-)

Things are still relatively quiet around here at the BFC. No bison out of the park still, which is highly unusual for this time of year. So we are still trying to keep ourselves busy with what needs doing around the property. I have been cooking for about six weeks now, and while I have enjoyed cooking for community again, I am more than ready for a break. It is hard work. While another person here might wake up and feel like they just want to take the day off and hide away, I can't do that. Everyone would wonder why I hadn't made them breakfast, lunch or dinner, ha. I have learned more about cooking and that is a very good thing. I have cooked plenty of meat (all wild game, provided by several of the volunteers who hunt) and have only experienced success. While it is a little odd to cook meat for a crowd of omnivores, myself being a veggie, it is good to know I have greatly expanded my cooking repertoire. I have received many kind compliments (hopefully sincere ;-) on my cooking, and that feels good. For now, I have two more days to finish off cooking for the month, then I will only be filling in here and there to provide days off for whomever else is cooking. As of right now I'll be cooking for another month in the spring, assuming my plans don't change.

Yampah and I are spending more and more time together and I am very pleased that we are growing so close. He is a wonderful man and I am incredibly happy to know him. For the first time in a long time I actually have the desire to establish and maintain a real romantic relationship. I no longer ignore that sometimes frightening F word: future. It feels a little odd, since I have been so determindly single since my last serious relationship (the quite disastrous affair with Owl). It feels good though, and I look forward to what the future has to offer us. He has been gone for the last week, visiting family back east for the holidays. I have missed him! He will be returning today and I am very excited to see him :-D

So, all in all, things are good here, despite some ongoing frustrations with community (or rather those few individuals who make living in community difficult). I am happy and I forsee staying in Montana for a long time.

The season begins...

2008-11-21T14:43:00.005-06:00

Sometimes I am amazed that I am here. How the hell did I get out here to the wilds of the big sky country to live and work with buffalo activists? Well, that's an easy enough question, but still...it's funny to think how my life has changed in the past several months. From simply existing in a college town where few knew me or even cared, working just to live, to belonging in an open community of activists trying to actually do something good for the voiceless buffalo. Strange but awesome. I am quite happy to be where I am. It feels good to be doing something I believe in. Despite being financially poor, not having health insurance or really anything I can call "security", I am much happier being a buffalo hippie than I was when I was just another drone. Sometimes I remember the quote my last roommate had posted on her door, "activism is my rent for living on this planet."

So, things are well here. The season has officially started, though we are still only sending out one patrol a day, as the buffalo aren't moving out of the park yet, at least not where we are. Although unfortunately a bull has already been taken in the state hunt north of the park near our other winter outpost. The cabin is still relatively quiet as we are slowing starting to get back into the swing of things. I began my stint as the official cook a couple of days ago and I'd say while the food I've made so far hasn't been amazingly delicious it has overall been pretty decent. I've found that I still have troubles keeping to a schedule when it comes to cooking. I don't know what it is, as I am punctual in almost every other situation, but I find it hard to get food on the table at a predetermined time. It seems to stress me out more than anything else. Something I will have to work on this season...

It is beautiful here. Chilly to cold, although we've had a few pleasantly warm days that were good for hooping. The sun doesn't hide too often. We are still waiting for that big snowfall that will cover the ground until spring, although the mountains are already covered. The nights are so very still and quiet. I am still used to the noise of cities, so the calm always makes me stop for a moment when I go outside at night. For some reason it makes me feel full, maybe even expectant, but of what I don't know. There has been a mountain lion prowling about again, which is always exciting. Another volunteer who has been spending time hunting in the "backyard" (the property butts up to a big national forest) has reported seeing wolf tracks, a group of at least five. They must be hunting as well. It's wonderful to live in a place with so much wildlife, even though some of those critters are more than capable of killing or maiming people. Kinda exciting really...

In Montana for the Winter

2008-11-11T14:24:00.004-06:00

Well, I am FINALLY back in Montana, huzzah! I arrived on Saturday, after a ridiculously long bus trip (an extra 24 hours long thanks to a storm in the dakotas) and was greeted by my good friend Yampah (yay! I had missed him!) As soon as I got off the bus the smell of sweet pine trees and cold mountain air washed over me. In that moment I was immensely happy I was back. I am still very happy to be back! It is good to see everyone again. It didn't take me long at all to fall back into things. I feel quite at home again. The season hasn't officially started yet, so we don't have a schedule, aren't going on patrols or having meetings, which is leaving some of us wondering what to do with ourselves. I've already been cleaning quite a lot, ha. There is only one other person here who is as crazy about cleaning as I am, so there is typically plenty of cleaning to do. I'm sure I will be able to keep myself occupied until the season starts up.

Yesterday I helped Yampah carry necessaries up to his new house in the woods, a fancy 10x12ft wall tent. We covered the floor (really just the ground) with tarps and carpets, put in the bed and the stove and covered the top with tarps. There are a few more things to get ready and to put in, but it's already looking quite cozy. Actually, I'm just a wee bit jealous of his awesome little home ;-) It's in a beautiful spot and since it's away from the cabin, it is very quiet and private. Ahh...maybe I will be lucky enough this winter to enjoy its luxuries every now and then.

I'm planning on being here all season, at least until April or May. Right now it's a little cold, and cloudy, so not too bad (actually I've been enjoying it). I've picked out some good gear, boots and thermals and such, so I've been warm. It will only get colder though, so we'll see how that goes ;-)

Montana-bound

2008-11-05T16:57:00.002-06:00

Finally! I'm leaving for beautiful (and cold!) Montana this evening. I'm not exactly looking forward to the bus ride (the whole trip should take around 33 hours) but I am SOO excited to be there again! WOOOT! I am hoping I will update at least occasionally when I'm out there, but I won't make any promises. I don't think I posted at all the whole time I was there this summer ;-) Au revoir!

Election thingie

2008-11-05T16:27:00.003-06:00

I took a long walk yesterday to vote, then I came home, and practically forgot about the election until past ten o'clock. I thought, "oh yeah, there's a presidential election happening today!" so I got online and saw that Obama had won. WOOOT!! I almost didn't think it was possible that he would get elected. I think I've been becoming a little too cynical, and I've never been a big fan of the government. I'm actually quite glad I forgot it was going on, otherwise I would have been obsessively watching the results and preparing for bad news. I think it was better to just wait and find out when it was all done.

I found some of these exit polls interesting....

So, anyways, WOOT, HUZZAH! Maybe there is a little hope left...

The Wild Trees

2008-11-05T12:59:00.004-06:00

Last night I finished reading The Wild Trees. I loved it! The writing did leave a little to be desired, but the information about the redwoods, sequoias and other giant trees, was fascinating! (and the story wasn't too bad ;-) I had no idea there was such a huge diversity of life in the redwood canopies. I found it amazing that up until the 1960s to 1980s most botanists and scientists didn't even know what was up there and didn't think the canopies were worth exploring. The just assumed it was all branches and limbs. Then people started actually climbing up the redwoods and finding all sorts of life up there that no one knew about. All of it was like uncharted territory. And there is so much more still to learn! Wow, just...wow. The capacity of the redwood canopies to draw in and store huge amounts of water and soil to support so much life is just amazing. Lichens and mosses galore, ferns, berries, shrubs, even other trees! Salamanders, voles, owls, worms, even tiny aquatic creatures called copepods that usually live in the sea and that no one knows how they got there. There are literally gardens growing in the canopies hundreds of feet in the air. How cool is that!? The fact that these trees are so old and so amazingly huge just makes it that much cooler. It makes me want to climb trees :-D

Cleaning House

2008-11-04T13:10:00.003-06:00

Since I've been at my parents' house (and consequently the house I grew up in) I've been trying to clean out all the junk that I accumulated while I lived here and that has just been collecting dust. I'd like to think I've been fairly successful, but honestly there's still a lot of crap I don't need. I found a box of old bank receipts and important papers and other things that I felt I needed to keep because of something my mother instilled in me long ago. Some odd desire to keep these things because someday I might need them. Well, I brought it upstairs to send all the papers through the shredder (another thing my mother instilled in me: to tear up anything that has my name and address on it before throwing it away, it's like an obsessive thing I can't stop doing). I'm going along, throwing in payroll stubs, receipts and the like, pulling out random photos and other things I'd tossed in there as I went along that I wanted to keep. Then, suddenly, I pulled out a photo of Owl. I paused, then set it with the other photos. I shredded a few more things and thought how it might feel good to toss that picture of Owl in as well. That is apparently all I needed. In it went and I felt no remorse seeing the little bits of it fall into the pile. Ahhh, cleaning house is a good thing.

"There's probably no god. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

2008-11-02T15:05:00.004-06:00

I've been wasting plenty of time online recently, and I found something rather amusing: The Atheist Bus! The words they chose for the ad I thought were perfect. The point of this though is that I enjoyed the campaign's collection of quotes so much I am going to shamelessly ~~steal~~ borrow them...

“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored” - Aldous Huxley
“An atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church. An atheist believes that deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death” - Justin Brown
“If anything, an atheist has to be more morally responsible precisely because we don’t blame a god for our own actions” - Ivan Ratoyevsky
“The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they’ve found it” - Terry Pratchett
“Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned” - unknown
“The foolish reject what they see and not what they think. The wise reject what they think and not what they see” - Huang Po

Sapphire Portal @ Burning Man

2008-11-01T22:47:00.005-05:00

My most enjoyable day at Burning Man was spent wandering about with Faun, exploring the deep playa. For a while, we ended up here at the Sapphire Portal (known to me since then as "the blue thing" as I hadn't yet heard its proper name). In Faun's words, it was "an oasis of Peace in a sea of Chaos" and I find that quite fitting. Circular, all blue, with some odd geometrically shaped sculpture fitted with mirrors in the middle, out of which came a somewhat mysterious, yet soothing humming noise. It was quiet, relaxing, peaceful. One could almost forget they were in the middle of a desert with 50,000 other people. We lounged in the shade enjoying the nearness of each other and a respite from the noise of a city that never sleeps. I felt completely peaceful and content luxuriating in the blue with Faun, and would have stayed there all day had we not had need to leave. Of course we left right as a HUGE dust storm started to kick up, and we were still quite far from home!

(Thankfully we found shelter from the storm not too far away, where we tried to wait it out, talking until we decided we really did need to get back, as our water supplies were running low. What an adventure that was! I was quite glad that Faun knew where we were going, as I surely would have gotten lost had I been alone. Visibility was poor at best. Getting back to camp, I heard rumours that it was one of the worst dust storms experienced at Burning Man, and it was making headlines, ha!)

Happy Samhain!

2008-11-01T21:53:00.005-05:00

I have spent an inordinate amount of time this evening playing around with my fancy schmancy new flickr and goodreads widgets, for no good reason other than to entertain myself. At least they're pretty, right?

Owl came and went this afternoon. It was strange and uncomfortable. It felt so odd. While talking with him I didn't see in him what I had loved so much before. I felt different this time, like he no longer has any power over me. That felt good, really good. I would have preferred to not see him at all, but it is good to know I will no longer fall into that old trap. Huzzah!

It is November already. Sigh. The summer is over, and thus begins the dark half of the year. I always feel a little sad as the days start grow shorter and the nights start getting cold. I am such a sunchild and I know I will miss the green and the warm weather. Although after having gone through the long winter, I always appreciate the spring and summer so much more. I do enjoy watching the world change through the seasons! I would have liked to celebrate Samhain with my pagan friends (a feast and a bonfire perhaps!) but sadly they are all far away and scattered about. Maybe next year if I am among more like-minded folk... Last night I went next door for a party where I mostly just sat around a fire pit eating junk food and talking with neighbors new and old. There was talk of my infamous outhouse costume I wore when I was little...I'll never live that down. It was enjoyable, and the warmest Halloween I can remember!

NYC Trip & Update

2008-10-31T15:21:00.002-05:00

Well, I don't have much to report right now. Things are rather unexciting. Since getting back from my adventures out west I've been spending almost all my time at my parents' place, trying to keep myself entertained. Although I did take a trip out to NYC to visit Rabbit and Wolf, and that was quite wonderful! It was very good to see both of them again, it had been too long. Mostly we wandered about town, loafed around at Rabbit's cute little hobbit hole in Brooklyn, hanging out, being silly and eating cheap, delicious delivery (wonderful thing about the city!) We did take a trip out to Coney Island one afternoon, which was quite nice. The weather was beautiful and the beach was not very crowded. We talked about life and dreams and enjoyed being in the sun. Sadly we were not able to get out for a hike like we had wanted, but, maybe another time. Like I was expecting, the city was too crazy for me, interesting, but just too many people and too much concrete. Where Rabbit lives is not too bad. I did enjoy being able to just walk down the street for groceries or whatever. But still not a place I'd like to live. Very interesting though, to see how so many other people live. Overall it was a good trip and I am very glad we all got to hang out again!

It has been good to see my family again. My nephew is growing fast! He is quite adorable and almost makes me like babies ;-) I have been here long enough though and am ready to get on the road again. Thankfully I'll be headed back to Montana next week. I am quite excited! It sounds like folks at the campaign are looking forward to having me back, and that's a warm, fuzzy feeling :-D I think I am almost ready. I splurged and bought myself a fancy new pack so I will be at least more mobile in my future travels, and so I can go backpacking, duh! I've gotten together mostly everything I think I will take, and it didn't even fill the bag! I was almost shocked, I have learned how to pack light! What a novel concept! Although, knowing me I will probably fill it in the end, hehe.

Tomorrow should be interesting. Owl is coming by to pick up some things he left when he moved (oh yeah, did I mention he has moved back to the mainland?) and I'm not sure if I am ready to see him again. I have come to the point where I just don't feel like I want him in my life anymore, but I don't know if I will be able to tell him that. Honestly I have enjoyed not communicating with him, it's not even something I think about. Although now that I am actually going to see him, I know I should stand up for myself and tell him all the things I have been feeling about our relationship and all that happened. But a part of me feels like it's just not worth it. Does he deserve even that? Would it make me feel any different? I just don't know. Sigh. I am so tired of this.

I don't want to end on that note, so here's something exciting! Yesterday I learned a couple of new hooping tricks! WOOT! Just a simple jump through trick, and a behind the back pass. When I'm trying to learn new tricks from videos I always really wish someone was actually there to show me in person. I think I'd probably pick things up a lot quicker that way. Although, mostly what I've learned I've gotten from videos online, so it obviously hasn't been that difficult ;-) It felt good to work on new things again! Huzzah for hooping!

Spiral hooping at Center Camp, Burning Man '06

2008-10-30T14:04:00.003-05:00

I found this before I even started hooping at the end of last year. I remember being completely wowed by this woman, and I find that I still am. I absolutely love the way she moves with the hoop! It's beautiful, inspiring and almost entrancing at times. This may not be her best video (more here), but it is still a favorite of mine, as it was when I was a brand new hooper.

p.s. I may be developing a weakness for youtube...

Flight of the Conchords, Business Time

2008-10-29T21:28:00.003-05:00

I love these guys.

Faun Weekend

2008-10-29T10:27:00.006-05:00

This past weekend dear Faun came down for our last chance to see each other before I run away to the wilds of Montana again. We escaped suburbia hell (a.k.a. my hometown) and went to Eureka Springs where we stayed in a cute bed and breakfast, which was cozy and luxurious (mmmjacuzzi). We had a wonderful time! On Saturday we went to Lost Valley State Park (near Ponca, AR) to go hiking and enjoy the autumn woods. It was quite busy when we got there, but we decided to try it out anyway and just ignore the other humans. Not too far down the trail we ended up wandering out into the woods to go exploring away from all the people (the best kind of hiking). What a good decision that was! We scrambled over rocks up a creekbed and found a few really cool little waterfalls and bluffs. We played and explored and giggled and didn't worry about a thing. It was a beautiful day, the forest was lovely and we were having so much fun I didn't want to leave. Eventually we headed back, made our way to our room and took a nap before going out for the night. I think the hike wore us out too much though (or something ;-), as we weren't good for much more than dinner and a few beers. It was enjoyable nonetheless, to observe the nightlife.

On Sunday we slept in and lazed about before going out to wander the town. I tried to enjoy Faun as much as possible, as I knew it was the last day I would see him for several months at least. By the time we made it back to my abode, I didn't want to let go. I had enjoyed getting to spend so much time with just Faun without any distractions. The whole time we've known each other we haven't had the opportunity of spending a lot of time together, at least not in the default world. So, it was wonderful being able to just enjoy being together. It was wonderful to know as I was falling asleep that he was still going to be there in the morning. It was wonderful not having to watch the clock or even think about the clock. Having the luxury of an entire weekend with Faun without having to worry about anything or anyone else made it that much harder to say goodbye. Le sigh. I am very excited to get back to Montana, but now there is one more thing I will miss about Missouri...

Ready to Firehoop!

2008-10-27T11:35:00.003-05:00

Since going to Burning Man, my desire to add fire to my hooping has greatly increased. Every time I see someone playing with fire, whether or not they are hooping, it makes me wonder what the hell I'm waiting for! I watched a few people firehoop at Burning Man and I made sure to pay attention to what they were doing and how it compared to my own skill level. Mostly they were doing things I already know how to do, so that gave me some more confidence. There is so much more I can learn and so much more room for improvement of course, but after seeing other folks firehoop who aren't necessarily "performers" I felt more inspired to just do it. If they can do it, so can I! ;-) All I need to do is acquire a firehoop and start practicing with it. Realistically it might actually be a while yet before that happens, but it just feels good knowing that at this point, I could do it. Woot! Now for an inspiring (and kinda hot) video...

D.H. Lawrence, "Mystic"

2008-10-27T11:15:00.002-05:00

They call all experience of the senses mystic, when the experience is considered.
So an apple becomes mystic when I taste in it
the summer and the snows, the wild welter of earth
and the insistence of the sun.

All of which things I can surely taste in a good apple.
Though some apples taste preponderantly of water, wet and sour
and some of too much sun, brackish sweet
like lagoon water, that has been too much sunned.

If I say I taste these things in an apple, I am called mystic, which means a liar.
The only way to eat an apple is to hog it down like a pig
and taste nothing that is real.

But if I eat an apple, I like to eat it with all my senses awake.
Hogging it down I call the feeding of corpses.

-D. H. Lawrence

Burning Man 2008

2008-10-22T19:44:00.012-05:00

WOW. I don't even know what to write. It's hard to know where to start. The experience of having been to Burning Man is hard to describe because it's so unique that there really isn't anything else to compare it to. It really is one of those things that you just have to experience yourself to really know what it's like. To go is to know.

When Pet and I finally became one with the long line to get in the gate on Monday after our cross country trip, it was hard to believe we were actually there. We had been talking about it so much for so long that I had started to lose interest. To be honest, I almost didn't even want to leave Montana to go. Of course part of that was pure and simple laziness speaking, not wanting to bother packing. But, when Pet showed up in Denver to pick me up it started to dawn on me that we were actually going. As we counted down the miles and whole states passed by the excitement started to build. The closer we got the more folks we saw on the road who were obviously heading to the same place (burners are hard to miss). We randomly started chatting with burners at rest stops and gas stations all along the interstate. By Monday morning when we drove through the tiny town of Gerlach, Nevada and saw the hordes of burners stopped for their last chance at supplies the excitement we felt was nearly tangible. We were almost there!!!

Arriving at our final destination: Pandora's Lounge and Fix-it Shoppe (our camp, and home for the week) , I felt elated, relieved, excited, anxious and ready to get out of the car! Of course we rolled in right in time for a big ass dust storm (and I started asking myself why the hell I decided to spend a week in such an inhospitable environment, ha). So instead of setting up our tents, which would have been futile in the wind, we greeted our campmates, pulled out our bikes and headed out to explore the crazy city we now call home. It was like wandering about another planet, all hot, windy and dusty as fuck running into all sorts of people looking like aliens in their goggles and masks/scarves/whathaveyou. But tons of fun! I felt in a daze the whole day, not really knowing if I was seeing things correctly, not really completely believing I was there. Even going straight to the top of the man didn't hit the nail home. I think it finally settled into my brain that I was at Burning Man sometime later that night. Actually, I think I remember the exact moment...we'd gone out into the night with a group of our campmates (all of them still mostly unknown to me at this point) to wander the city and see what we could find. We stopped at Mal-Mart to play with their toys, dance to the awesome 80's music they were spinning and climb to the top of their main structure to get a view of the young city at night. As I stood there and watched the loong line of headlights stretching from the gate to the highway, my brain said to me, "Holy shit! You're at Burning Man! And you've got all week!"

In Black Rock City, there is definitely never a lack of interesting things to see and do, at any time of day or night. All one has to do is start wandering. This was essentially my week. Mostly I spent my days wandering about with no destination in mind, stopping at random whenever something caught my interest (this happened often) and admiring the glories of 50,000 people coming together to create a temporary city based on the ten principles (all while getting a hawt tan I may add). My time spent at camp was split between getting to know my campmates, trying my hardest to nap (impossible) and people watching. Our camp was placed on a high traffic street quite close to Center Camp so we never had a lack of visitors or excitement (not to mention all the folks who stopped by our bike shop).

Most nights I would get a good start at our camp's bar (oh the Pandorans are a bad influence ;-) before heading out with other adventurous souls to see what the night had to offer. After being out in the sun all day long, going out every night was probably bad policy for me (being one to actually need sleep) but the city at night was hard to resist. I was like a moth to a flame. But who can blame me when the night has so much to offer? Heart-pounding bass to follow when wild dancing is desired, dancing til you must collapse, numorous theme camps with soft, cushy surfaces on which to collapse, toys to play with, art to admire, bars to visit, fire to watch, hoops to play with!, stars to be wowed by, the unknown possibilities awaiting you, unidentifiable big glowy things off in the distance, unidentifiable big and small glowy things everywhere, and undeniably desirable above all else: the all important, life-giving and life-sustaining blinkie lights of the open playa at night. Oh night in Black Rock City is fun indeed!! Anytime I ventured out I felt like I was being pulled in twenty different directions because I wanted to see and do all (quite impossible in a city that size ;-)

Although what I remember most fondly is hanging out with good friends old and new, wandering all about the city, being silly and having fun without a care in the world. I was nervous at first since we were camping with a group of people I didn't know very well, but it didn't take me too long to warm up. I ended up being quite happy that we camped with them. Over the week I made a lot of new friends, and at least one very good friend, and for that in itself I am exceedingly happy I went. Wonderful Faun is already near and dear to my heart, despite me having only known him a couple of months. Mayhaps that is the magic of Burning Man at work ;-)

I decided to not go into a whole lot of detail regarding exactly what I did at Burning Man, as I've already done that in my personal journal and it would feel too much like overkill to me. But overall I had an amazing time and I am so so so glad I made the choice waaay back in January to go, even though I had only the vaguest idea what I was getting into. It was immensely fun and I'm already thinking of going again next year. Sigh. I think maybe that I've become a burner ;-)

Montana!

2008-09-22T16:03:00.004-05:00

Wow, long time no blog. I had nearly forgotten about one of my old favorite time wasters, which was probably for the best. I told a new friend (nickname yet to be discovered) about this silly little thing and that made me curious to come back to it. So, here I am. Much has happened since last I wrote, much indeed.

Interfuse was awesome of course and I had a lot of fun dressing up in silly costumes and dancing around a big fire.

My adventure to Montana extended from May to August, even though I had originally planned to stay a month. I fell in love with the place rather quickly though and I found it hard to leave, even for Burning Man. It was a very delectable summer: basking in the mountain sunshine, watching the wildflowers take turns blooming and fading, cooking and baking delicious food to my heart's content, hiking about through the forest, lounging and making love in a tee pee, picking morels and huckleberries, swimming in deliciously cold mountain lakes and building relationships with people I can now happily call family. There was a little bit of work in there too, tabling in Yellowstone and the Tetons to talk to folks about what's happening with the bison. Not quite as fun as other activities, but it was a good thing to do and I learned a lot. So all in all, it was an amazing experience and I am very happy I went. I'm planning on returning in November to spend a whole season with the campaign. It will be a challenge and I am very much looking forward to it.

After a quick visit with Fig and Bear in Denver, I met up with Pet for our crazy Burning Man adventure. That pretty much needs its own entry, although to be honest I have no idea when I'll blog again, but this library computer informs me I have little time left before it'll kick me off. So, another day perhaps...

And my summer begins

2008-04-28T14:37:00.004-05:00

I'm always a little surprised to realize that I don't like my hometown all that much whenever I come back for a visit. I've forgotten how much it sucks.

So I've been here all weekend visiting my parents (and grandparents on Saturday) and helping Fig and Bear move. I'm bummed that they're moving (to CO) but I know it'll be a better place for them. And it gives me yet another reason to get out there again!

I'm homeless for the summer, but not really. I have places to visit and couches to sleep on. I brought almost all my stuff back here and have kept just the things I'll need this summer, and for Interfuse and Burning Man. It's all very exciting, and only feels a little weird. This summer has been in the planning for quite some time, especially my buffalo excursion, so it's great that it's finally happening!

Pine and I will be headed to Interfuse on Wednesday! WOOT!

Rabbit Weekend and Eagle Bluffs

2008-04-20T20:13:00.003-05:00

It's been a good weekend. I've really enjoyed getting to hang out with dear Rabbit again, I forget how nice it is having a good girlfriend around! We've had much greasy restaurant food, a good round of frisbee golf in which we all demonstrated our super awesome frisbee skills, much imbibing, lots of gabbing (I don't think I've ever heard "wtf!?" said more than during this weekend, in regards to Owl's recent announcement), some game time (we beat Wolf at Outburst, and he of course kept his title as Scattergories champion) and lots of laughter of course. I'm hoping to catch them again this evening as she'll be headed out tomorrow while I'm at work.

This afternoon I went out for a hike with my hiking buddy to Eagle Bluffs. We took a trail around some of the wetlands and watched the ducks, identified a few. Then we went down through the woods to the river and walked up it aways. We identified some trees and I think I could say with confidence that I can now identify cottonwoods, and possibly ash trees as well. It was nice exploring a different area, since I almost always go to the forest. It was warm and beautiful and perfect. I even got a little sunburned. Springtime makes me so happy!

This is the beginning of my last week in Como! I'll be busy for sure...

Pine, Rabbit and wtf you're getting married??

2008-04-18T14:12:00.003-05:00

I feel like I've been all go go go lately. Last weekend was pretty much awesome. Pine was here and it was great to see him again. There were games with Wolf, lots of work outside in the cold nasty sleety weather (helping clean up OA in preparation for Interfuse), much laughter, great hiking and probably too much imbibing. The rest of this week I've been trying to catch up with my friends here in CoMo before I leave town. Next week will be my last official week living and working here for at least until the fall. I'm pretty excited!

Rabbit is coming to town this weekend (actually she is on her way now!) for a visit and I'm very much looking forward to hanging out with her. It's really a bummer that it's raining since we were planning on camping, but I'm sure we will still have lots of fun together nonetheless (and I am doubly sure there will be too much imbibing). Speaking of such matters, Rabbit just called and they are already in town sooo...I'm off to meet them for lunch! WOOT!

p.s. What's up with this marriage thing being so popular? I found out this week that two of my exes are engaged. Crazy.

Usual....

2008-04-10T20:14:00.002-05:00

I am uninspired. Pine is coming to visit this weekend and I am ridiculously excited. I haven't seen him in a few months. It doesn't even matter what we will do, we'll have fun. Woot!

Wolf is back in town for a bit, it's been really nice seeing him. Rabbit will be in town for a visit next weekend and we might all go camping, woot! I'm REALLY excited to see her again!

more later, maybe

Socializing

2008-03-26T21:17:00.003-05:00

I spent two hours sitting outside the coffeeshop after I got off work just socializing. It was good, and I made more of a connection with an acquaintance (someone I'd like to hang out with...) but I felt weird after I got home. I guess just cause it's different from the usual routine. I'm not sure what to think about it. Hm.

My bday v. Zombie Jesus, Ostara and summer plans

2008-03-24T20:06:00.004-05:00

I've been busy for me the past couple of weeks. Pet was here just this last weekend to help me celebrate my bday (yay for sharing my birthday with zombie jesus!) and to go to OA for the Ostara ritual on Saturday. Speaking of which, happy belated Ostara! The land is warming up and spring is coming back and I couldn't be happier about it! All in all it was a pretty good weekend, although by Sunday I was ready for some alone time. Last weekend my dear friends Fig and Bear were here for a visit and I showed them all around town. I'll have to go into more detail later. I think I must have picked up a bug from someone, I've been feeling kinda icky all day, I even took a four hour nap. Highly unusual...

My plans for this summer are morphing and changing, but still not totally coming together. I'm still pretty sure I'll be going to Montana, I'll just be going later than originally planned. There are a couple of events in early May that I will get to go to now that I was bummed I would be missing, so that's exciting. I think things will work out better this way. Oh and I just heard from my sister and her husband has been offered a position at our alma mater back in Spring-town, which is just what they had wanted, so woot! I'm happy for them, especially since they'll be closer to family.

More later...

In Love/Still?

2008-03-18T15:21:00.003-05:00

I thought I was over this.

Owl and I had a conversation over three phone calls yesterday. He wanted to tell me that he's in a relationship. I wasn't sure how to feel about it, but we had a good talk and I said a lot of things I haven't been able to say for a while. It was the first good talk we've had in a very long time. That made it alright for some reason, I guess confirming that we still have a close connection of some kind. Seeing a photo of him and her this afternoon made me cry. Honestly I'm still confused and even though I may say with certainty that I am over him, there is a part of me that knows that is not true. Yesterday for the first time I seriously contemplated asking him to not contact me for a while, but I don't know if that would be worse because I would miss him more. Sigh.

Baked goods

2008-03-04T18:09:00.002-06:00

Oh, and I just wanted to share that I've been baking a lot lately and I have been getting some amazing results, so much so that my roommate is just insisting that I must sell my baked goodies because people would definitely pay money for them. So, that's sweet. Anyways, a friend of mine gave me a friendship bread starter a few weeks ago and I've been playing around with that. So far I've made muffins: carrot raisin, molasses spice and apple currant (WOW), breads: date walnut, spiced carrot raisin oat and apple currant oat and a few kinds of pancakes. All have been delicious. That is all :-D

Happy March!

2008-03-04T17:56:00.004-06:00

I feel it's safe to say that it finally feels like spring will be here soon. The weather was amazingly beautiful last weekend. I had been feeling so shitty. Sunday was so warm and sunny, all I really wanted to do was sit outside and soak up as much sunshine as I could, all that glorious warmth, light and energy I had been missing out on all winter. I felt so happy just being a sponge. Ahhh....and little green things are beginning to sprout up out of the ground! How wonderful! How awesome! How so delightfully glorious! We still have some cold weather ahead of us, but hope has arrived at last ;-)

It's getting down to the wire here. I'll be leaving in a month and a half (ok, so not really that far down to the wire yet, but hey...it's closer than a month ago!) Leaving also means I'll be quitting my jobs and moving out, so no more income and no more permanent home! I'm starting to sketch out a basic budget for my summer and I've realized I'm really going to have to clamp down on my spending, I'll need every penny if I'm going to do all the things I want to do! That's alright, I'm really good at saving money. I can do it! And I'll be livin' cheap this summer! I'm talking about camping and crashing on couches instead of paying rent kinda cheap. I'm so excited! Hopefully soon I'll find a decent bike for free or cheap so I can drive less too. As far as food goes, I'm not opposed to dumpster diving, I may have to give it a try. The farmers' market will be up and running too, maybe I can find a farmer who will give me tasty produce in exchange for some work. Hrm....lots of ideas! More ideas are of course very welcome if any of you wonderful people have any. Ehh??

The Magic Star Forest

2008-02-27T10:41:00.002-06:00

I have some pretty fond memories of this place. The time I spent there with Rabbit and Wolf was the best part of last summer, hands down. When I'm missing Rabbit I think about playing like silly wood nymphs among the trees and moss covered boulders as the sun was going down. The light was perfect and we hadn't a care in the world. It was divine. Thinking about that time always makes me smile.

Last night I got a chance to talk with Rabbit. It had been probably a month since we last talked. It was good to hear she's doing alright. I'm sad I can't be there for her. The most I can do is offer an ear, but I wish I could do more.

I'm really looking forward to having a chance to see my dear Rabbit again this summer. It'll be so great to hang out with her again (and ole Wolfie too of course!) Woo summertime, can't get here soon enough!

Bone-able!

2008-02-25T13:37:00.002-06:00

So Monday is here again, my busiest day. A six hour shift at the coffeeshop, a few hours off then four hours cleaning plus travel time. I can't do anything with Monday other than work. That's alright though, the money's decent.

Pet came to visit this weekend, which was fun! He took me out to dinner and we had a great time, I even wore some crazy pants I bought for Burning Man, hehe. I learned a new word from Pet: bone-able. It made me giggle.

Is winter over yet? Seriously, I'm starting to go a little crazy. Recently Pine found a job opportunity for a month in Florida shuttling college students around during the spring break season. I almost went for it, until I learned a drug screen is required. Uhmm....maybe not. I just won't tell my mother that's why I'm NOT taking the job. And there's a lot of paperwork I'd have to scramble to take care of and move out and quit my jobs etc etc. I'll just stay here for now and welcome the spring in Missouri.

The newest arrival

2008-02-19T18:38:00.002-06:00

The doorbell rang today. Finally, after so many excited weeks, I got to hold my very own Burning Man ticket in my wily, skinny fingered hands.

Weekend Madness

2008-02-17T19:24:00.003-06:00

This weekend's been mixed. For most of yesterday I hung out with my new friend Comic (what I'm calling him for now), which was pretty enjoyable. We went to the Pinnacles for a hike, had dinner, hung out, talked a lot and had dessert. He's probably the nerdiest person I've ever hung out with, but not overly socially awkward and a really sweet guy. It was good. He'll probably be leaving CoMo soon though, which leads me to think I'm developing a knack for befriending people who have plans to leave town soon. Ah well.

Today was a little crazy....I spent a lot of the day dealing with my car again, this time a flat tire. At least it was on a day when I didn't have to go to work! I ended up having to buy a new tire, which kinda sucks but hopefully it'll last a while. I did finally learn how to change a tire on my car, so that's good right? I was really stressed and frustrated there for a bit and was nearly babbling and fighting through tears when I called my parents to ask their advice. What's up with that?! I generally handle stress well, but for some reason I was really struggling with it today. When my roomie and I finally made it back to my car with the new tire to put it on, two people I knew happened to be around and provided moral support and a really nice lady came by with a fancy power tool she had to screw on the lug nuts. How nice was that? By that time I had overcome the crazy anxiety. I'm still picking that one apart...what was it that made me nearly fall to pieces over a flat tire? Hmm...I'm really grateful to all the people who ended up helping me out today: two of my roommates and a friend for providing rides, at least two strangers for helping out and more friends giving moral support. It reminds me that people can be good ;-)

Inspiration and Thoughts for Rabbit

2008-02-15T21:20:00.002-06:00

It seems recently when I sign in to post something, I just don't know what to say and give up before I even start. Blogging feels rather useless sometimes.

I had an inspiring day on Wednesday. First I found out one of the regulars at the coffeeshop is a burner who attended Burning Man for the first time last year. So as soon as I saw him I said, "so I hear you're going to Burning Man." That started a long, excited talk and ended up making me think about BM for the rest of the evening. Then, I noticed a guy looking through a seed catalog from Baker Creek and I just had to mention it. So, we started talking about seeds and growing things and permaculture and land and....it was good. He's just started working with Big Canoe, a local organization I've been interested in for a while. I gave him my email and told him to contact me if he ever wanted my help playing in the dirt. Even if I never hear from him, it was just cool to connect with someone who is into growing veggies as much as I am. So...that was cool, connecting with some like minded folks. I always love that.

There's just not much else worth writing about, except....

My dear, dear friend Rabbit has been on my mind lately. She's going through a pretty rough time right now and I so wish there was something I could do to help her through it. My heart goes out to her when I think about what she's going through. Dearest Rabbit, my thoughts are with you. I send you lots and lots of love, strength and courage. If I could give you a hug, I'd give you a million!

It's in the mail!

2008-02-12T18:44:00.000-06:00

omg...omg...omg...OMG!! I just got the email confirmation from the Burning Man folks that they shipped my ticket! WEEE!!! Oh to actually hold that ticket in my hand will be sweet deliriousness. Most definitely not as sweet and wildly delirious as actually being there, but...good enough for now ;-)

Great Hike and Lovely Willow

2008-02-10T14:45:00.000-06:00

Now here is a lovely looking sunny day....too bad it's only 20 degrees. So that leaves me sitting inside wasting time on the internet and wishing spring were here. I've had enough of this winter! Cabin fever has set in and while hope remains that I will not become permanently crazy, I am still feeling rather wily.

I had the opportunity to enjoy the nice weather yesterday by getting out for a hike at Three Creeks. I had been wanting to go back out there for quite a while. It was one of the first places Owl took me when I first came to CoMo and I had only been back once with Rabbit and Wolf last summer. I had been really wanting to explore it more. I went with a friend and his lady, who turned out to be not quite hardcore hiker material, but she endured it rather well without complaint. Along the way we ran into a fellow hiker who was looking for the cave I had been wondering about. (The cave that Owl and I just happened to have a little romp in ;-). I couldn't recall exactly how we had gotten there and it wasn't on the provided map. So, he invited us to come along with him to find it (he had one of those fancy GPS dealios) and me being the adventurous type, was all for it. My friends agreed and off we went! It didn't take us too long to find, although it took us a while to problem solve our creek crossing, but we made it without getting very wet. My friends ended up heading back before getting to the cave. I was sorry they had to miss it, but maybe another time. It was just as cool as I remembered, although we stayed out considering this is the time of the year when the bats are hibernating (don't want to disturb them). Then I helped my new found friend find a cache, as apparently he's into geocaching. We quickly found it, wrote in the logbook, took a few pictures and were on our way.

So this guy....we ended up talking during the whole hike. It was really enjoyable! We seem to have a lot in common, at the very least we both really enjoying hiking. I felt like we made a good connection, and that makes me happy. Making connections like that with like-minded folks doesn't happen too often, so it's always a really great feeling when it does happen. We both were interested in going hiking together again, so we exchanged information. Woo hiking buddies! I'm VERY excited about this, it's been a while since I've had a good hiking buddy. While I enjoy going by myself at times, it can make a hike much more enjoyable if the company is right. I talked with Willow later in the evening and she claims it is serendipity.

Speaking of Willow...I very much enjoyed our conversation we had last night. Lately we've been able to relate to each other quite well. We've both been in some very similar relationships over the years, it's actually a little odd how many. Sometimes it's as if we are the only people we know who can relate to us and understand us as well (if that makes sense...) Talking with her always makes me miss having awesome women around me, good, strong, loving and compassionate women who give a damn. So, thank you Willow for being so awesome! I miss you babe!

Off Time

2008-02-07T19:05:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling weird lately, and I'm not entirely sure why. It feels like I was on autopilot for a while and I just sorta came out of that. Maybe it's just a down moment. I don't know really, I just know I feel off. I do know that I'm ready for the summer to get here, I'm ready to leave Columbia and see something different. Maybe I'm just bored...?

Wolf's bday present and nonexcitingness

2008-02-02T13:13:00.001-06:00

Wolf called me last night to thank me for the bag I made for his birthday. I am so glad he likes it! I'm also pretty happy that it didn't get lost in the mail. It was nice to talk with him, I don't get to talk with him and Rabbit much so it's always a treat. I've started to miss all his stupid jokes he makes about me so it's good to get a little dose of that now and again.

Last night I watched Match Point. Lame. It pretty much sucked until the end. I don't recommend it unless you like bad acting.

I now have to wear a really dorky shirt when I work the coffeeshop kiosk at the hospital, yay. I guess at least now I don't have to put as much thought into my outfits when I get up at 5 am. Ya gotta find the positives in things right?

Lately I haven't been very exciting. I'm becoming quite the hermit.

210 Days

2008-02-02T13:00:00.000-06:00

Gawd another post about Burning Man, but this is exciting news! My dear, awesome and wonderful friend Pet just found out yesterday that his workplace just approved his time off request! That means he's officially going to Burning Man with me! WOOOT!!! I am so happy about that! All this time we've been talking and planning but it's been halfway tentative since he wasn't 100% sure he could go. Now for the real deal, yay!

In other news...wait, there are other things to talk about? ha.

Sandy, the Patron Saint of Playa Virgins

2008-01-29T14:25:00.000-06:00

The other night Pet and I talked more about Burning Man. It seems like almost every time we talk we end up talking about it. I decided we needed a deity or entity for playa virgins like ourselves, Pet suggested the name Sandy, and so Sandy the Patron Saint of Playa Virgins was born. I said we should have some sort of ritual to invoke said deity and Pet seemed to think that rolling about in the playa dust upon arrival to Black Rock City would suffice, haha. I am so ridiculously excited! The more I read, the more I research and plan the more I realize how much I really do want to go. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my fabulous wardrobe I'm building and for the first time in (quite possibly) ever, I have been very inspired to sew my own clothes. I'll be scouring thrift stores and free piles for fun thing, but I also want to make some of my own unique pieces. WOOT! Happiness!

Dreams/Conflict

2008-01-26T17:28:00.000-06:00

I have these two dreams that sometimes I feel are tearing me in half. On one side, I want to move, to shake, to travel, to take chances, to meet all sorts of different people, to be a gypsy and see the world. I want to experience the weird and uncommon, I want to have wild love affairs, I want to find and love kindred spirits, I want to see the most beautiful sights our Mother Earth has to offer. I want to do all sorts of crazy and amazing things I will remember with a grin when I am wrinkled and white haired. I want to have stories to tell to shock and delight the young people who will visit me. I want to DO, I want to feel alive, to feel the delicious electricity of life surging through me, filling me to past bursting. I want this so bad it makes my heart beat fast and my eyes water. I am impatient to stretch my legs, to wander and explore. Yet on the other side, my heart yearns for a perfect place to put down roots, a real life home. A place where I can love the land and the people, a place where I can grow my heirloom tomatoes and my old fashioned flowers. A home filled with friends and the family of my heart, where kindred spirits gather and linger over good home cooking. Where a warm fire and making music (or making love) is a common occurrence. A place I can stay and still love ten, twenty years later. I know I can't have both at the same time but I also know I have a lot of time. I think I can have both in this life, in fact I know I can. It's just a matter of deciding when, how and where.

About Pine and I'm a good barista!

2008-01-24T18:54:00.000-06:00

I had a long, late night conversation with Pine last night. It was good to get some of that out. I am happy to know that man, I don't think there is another person I am more comfortable around. I can tell him things that I rarely, if ever, speak about. That is a wonderful thing.

Earlier this week one of the supervisors at the coffeeshop told me that I am one of the best baristas he has seen there since he started. Granted he's been there less than a year, but the guy seems to know what he's doing and people say he makes the best cappuccinos. So...cool. I just think it's fun making drinks. I'm sure I'll get tired of the place after a while, just like at my last job, but at least this one is easier with fewer responsibilities! Ha. (and I make more tips, so bam!)

Time to get my toast on and work on a puzzle. It's been a while...

BM and Wolf's bday

2008-01-22T10:42:00.000-06:00

I watched Children of Men last night. It was quite depressing and I ended up writing about depressing things for an hour afterwards. I was afraid I'd have nightmares so I burned lavender and sage and danced before I went to bed. It worked.

The employment options are piling up. I'll just say I'm keeping busy.

I bought my ticket for Burning Man on Friday. They started selling them on Wednesday and by the time I got around to it they had already sold over 20,000 tickets. Craziness! This morning I've spent some time looking at pictures of peoples' creative costumes. Also craziness. I've started thinking more about what I might like to wear when I go. I'm going to give myself a very modest amount of money to spend on wardrobe, so I'm not going to get too wild, but I'm hoping to come up with some good outfits. Woot!

I talked with Wolf yesterday. His 40th birthday was the 18th! I finally finished up his present last night and I'm hoping to get it in the mail this week. It was great talking with him. I miss the dude. I'm so looking forward to seeing him and Rabbit again this summer. We talked some about what we've read about the Appalachian Trail. It seems I'm looking stuff up at least several times a week. I'm going to be super prepared for this adventure...I've been thinking of ways I can physically prepare for such a long hike, like taking shorter hikes and gradually increasing the length of the hike and the weight I carry. Of course there is the Katy trail that goes to St. Louis, but it's mostly flat and the AT is definitely not all that flat. Then last night I remembered the Ozark Trail. So, something else to research. Woot!

More Appalachian Trail

2008-01-20T20:54:00.001-06:00

Mcafee Knob, Virginia.
Originally uploaded by asafantman

Also quite awesome....

Appalachian Trail

2008-01-20T20:40:00.001-06:00

This is what I'm talking about...how awesome will this be? WEEE!!

I've been reading bits and pieces of The Complete Walker IV, I've been joining hiking and backpacking groups and I've been doing more research. It just gets me more excited....

A Year of Como

2008-01-17T19:26:00.000-06:00

Welp, it's been a whole year to the day since I moved here. Craziness. It's been almost ten months since I moved into this house, the longest I've lived in one place since I first moved away to go to college. Also craziness.

For a laugh...

2008-01-16T15:49:00.001-06:00

One of the most amazing outfits EVER. Not really, but I had fun putting it together. When Pine was here for a visit I was playing with all my funky clothes and putting together the weirdest outfits I could for Burning Man. I really doubt I'll actually wear this at Burning Man, but I had fun wearing it for a little while. Besides, how often do I wear a bikini AND thermal undies?

I'm busy this week. I worked both jobs yesterday and will do it again tomorrow. Today I had an interview with the health food store and starting next week I'll be working there as well. Although I am now officially off the schedule at the juice bar because of major changes in the business, which is fine with me. Just means I won't have to quit. Tomorrow will be my last day. I'm just a little bit sad, but it'll be very good to shake things up as being there can really get on my nerves. And I don't think I could actually stand to work both jobs per day. If yesterday was any indication, then I'd end up feeling very drained all the time. Mmm, no thanks.

This weekend I'll be going out of town with my friend Pet. It's going to be a surprise as to where exactly we are going, so that's kinda exciting. Oh, and ole Wolfie's 40th birthday is on Saturday! This evening I'm going over to a friend's place who has kindly offered the use of his sewing machine so I can finish Wolf's present. It's looking good so far, so I'm excited to see how it will eventually turn out. I'll post pictures soon.

Monday night I spent some time hooping inside one of the places I clean that has a lot of room AND a way for me to play some music. It was nice finally having some room to roam about with my hoop AND have good music, instead of one or the other. I worked on shoulder hooping for a bit and I think I've almost got it! I'm really excited because that will open up lots of other possibilities for tricks and moves and whatnot. WOOT!

The whosat and howyoudunnit

2008-01-12T18:01:00.000-06:00

I have been totally unmotivated to blog lately. There's been stuff to write about though.

Pine's visit last week that included wandering around downtown, cooking dinners, long serious talks and a long walk down the trail, playing with our toys (hoop, poi, devil sticks, trampoline) during a beautiful 70 degree day, relaxing and a lot of enjoyable conversation and bad puns. I'll have to admit though there were a few times I could've had a bit of time to myself.
I finally taped my hoop! (red and purple of course). I'm so happy to finally have it done and it seems to work better taped. The only problem now is I'm a bit worried about scuffing it up.
Pine very kindly gave me a pair of his practice poi after we had so much fun playing outside. I learned my first move today: the 3 point weave, woot!
The health food store in town finally called to ask if I was still interested in the job I applied for, so hopefully that'll pan out. I've had some issues figuring out my work schedule between two jobs, so now it'll get a little more complicated but that's okay. I need to save some money so I don't mind working more.
I talked with Owl and found out that he is not coming home like I always felt he was going to. That was the final push I needed to move on, although it did bum me out for a while. I felt it physically, not just in my heart. Something changed. I no longer have a desire to be with him and that feels really, really good.
After Pine left and after I talked with Owl, I was quite down for a little while. I was finally able to get in touch with Rabbit and we had a long, refreshing conversation. It was kinda depressing talking about how crazy the world is and how frustrated we are and how we feel so out of place. Although I always know Rabbit's around and feels the same way I do about things, I neglect to remember that when I start to feel really alone. So it was uplifting and made me feel better.
Last night I actually went out, can you imagine? Me going out on a Friday night? Ha. It was different and I'm glad I did. I went to a party at a coffeehouse that an artists' collective was throwing. There was art on display, several musicians, some slam poetry and even some hip hop. It was pretty cool! I wore a rather bohemian hippie outfit and brought my crochet along. I hung out with a few people I knew (mostly from work) and talked with a few I didn't. Later I went to a party, then met someone at a bar, then back to the party. It was alright. It at least served to remind me why I don't go out much.
I started on a Burning Man list...all the things Pet and I need to talk about. I'm excited already :-)
This afternoon I went out to a wilderness area for a long hike. It was awesome, good weather for a hike. I almost got myself lost (it's a good thing reading the map wrong didn't hurt me too bad), but was able to backtrack just fine. I saw a lot of forest though, I can never get enough forest. I still had enough light to go outside when I got home and play with my hoop and poi a bit.
I left this last bit of news for the end, it is the most exciting. When I was talking with Rabbit, she asked if I would like to go on the Appalachian Trail with her and Wolf. I said yes! Actually I think I said "hell yes!" Her and I were talking about how frustrating this modern world is, its ridiculous status quo and how it's so effed up that one has to follow all these crap rules of society and not do what you really want to. So I guess you could say this is a "fuck society and let's go do what we really like doing" thing. And of course it would be ridiculously amazing, a crazy ass challenge but one so worth taking on. I mean come on, how often do you drop modern life for six months at a time to walk over 2,000 miles? So, hells yes bitches, I'm taking on the Appalachian Trail. Of course we are leaving ourselves plenty of time to plan and prepare as this isn't going to take place until the spring/summer/fall of 2009. I'm fucking excited as hell.

So yah, that's what's been going on.

Even scientists get the munchies....

2007-12-30T16:19:00.000-06:00

I've been thumbing through a book recently called Plant Intoxicants which basically just goes through a wide list of natural intoxicants (from coffee to opium and chocolate to fly agaric) and describes their composition, growth habits and effects on humans (and animals). It was first published in 1855 by a German baron, Ernst Von Bibra. It has been an interesting read, and quite humorous at times. The other night I decided to read the chapter on hashish. It was fun reading about the different preparations used and the ways in which different peoples ingested their cannabis. It was also quite intriguing reading about the ideas of some of the scientists/researchers of the time and how they considered race and climate to be determining factors in how the drug affected a person. At one point, the author estimates that almost three hundred million people worldwide consume hashish (in 1855 that is). Anyways, I really just wanted to share a short little section from this chapter that I found amusing. Von Bibra was discussing the experiment he undertook on himself (he decided to try it), the different effects he felt and his overall experience...

"While watching the figures assume shape in my white cloth and my study extend itself in perspective, while listening to the corporeal notes of music and experiencing an enhanced love for my child, I ate an extremely large portion of cold cuts."

Cold cuts aren't exactly my idea of good munchie food, but I guess anything works. Ha.

Xmas over

2007-12-29T12:34:00.000-06:00

Well the xmas holiday has come and gone. I went to the always not exciting Springfield to see my family, which was nice, despite the not so fun long drive. My nephew has grown quite a lot since I last saw him nearly six months ago, and I'll have to admit he is pretty damn cute. My family seemed to understand my request to not get me useless crap, so for the most part they gave me useful things like food and socks. I made everyone cookies and some delicious chocolate cherry creme cupcakes (pictures coming later). I also got to hang out with my good friends I know from East Wind who are living in Springfield right now, which was great. I don't get to see them very often so it's always a treat. It's kinda a bummer we don't live very close together because we get along so well! Oh, and I finally got my Korean food fix while I was there. Ahhh...delicious kimchee...

Pine will be coming for a visit on New Year's Eve, so that is exciting! I'm looking forward to hanging out with him again, maybe we can work on our hoops.

Blah blah blathering. That is all for now.

A Year of Owl

2007-12-23T15:04:00.001-06:00

Today marks exactly one year since I met Owl in person for the first time. It's not that big of a deal I guess, it's just hard for me to believe it's been a year already. On one hand I wonder how it could be only just one year because SO MUCH has happened, so much has changed, but on the other hand it just doesn't seem like it's been that long. It seems like this past year has gone by so quickly.

I have been reflecting on all the changes that have taken place since I met Owl and how different things would be had I not met him. Meeting Owl was a catalyst for some major life changes for me. Pretty much all these changes have been positive. If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be in this cool place I am in now and I wouldn't know the amazing, wonderful people for whom I am so incredibly grateful. I would never have met Rabbit, Wolf, Pine or Pet, all awesome people whom I adore. Also, he introduced me to a spiritual path that makes so much sense to me. It has really felt like a homecoming and when it started coming together for me, I felt like I had finally found what I had been looking for. I will be forever grateful for that. I have also gone through some big personal changes that were influenced by Owl and by our relationship. Some of his insights and my realizations during certain experiences we had together have led me to reexamine certain behaviors and thought patterns that were unnecessary or detrimental to my mental and spiritual well being. I have also developed a more positive worldview and attitude, partly as a result of dealing with the ups and downs of our relationship. Wow, it's crazy to think of how much influence he has had on my life. One whole year...

The photo is of Owl and I at a wedding last New Year's Eve, a mere week after we first met in person (we met online a few weeks earlier).

Vegan Cinnamon Almond Cookies

2007-12-23T13:37:00.001-06:00

I've been stuck in a cookie rut for a while. All I had been making were no-bake cookies, the classic but amazingly yummy chocolate chip cookies, gingersnaps and peanut butter oatmeal cookies. Well and of course the sugar cookies Pine and I made a couple of weeks ago. But, what I had been wanting was a totally new recipe, something I had never made before. Well, about a week ago I made some almond milk and was left with a bunch of almond pulp that I didn't want to just throw out. So...almond cookies came to mind! I found a recipe in Joy of Cooking and modified it just a bit. Here's my version:

Cream together:
1 cup sugar
1 cup earth balance margarine

Add and mix well:
2 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon (optional)
1 cup almond pulp (or ground almonds)

Add, mixing with hands:
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour

Chill for a couple of hours, then roll out and cut (I just used a small glass to make circles). Sprinkle with cinnamon and bake 8-10 minutes at 350 degrees. I got almost six dozen 1-2 inch cookies.

They are pretty tasty, and I love the size. They obviously didn't rise (well, no leavener!) so they are fairly flat, but they are so cute and compact. I like 'em!

Merry Yule!

2007-12-21T21:32:00.000-06:00

Ah, the winter solstice is finally upon us. I have been waiting for this day for a while now. The shortest day of the year, the moment after which the light will start growing again. The moment of the rebirth of the sun and the slow return to life. Lately I have been feeling the lack of sunlight down deep. I have been bundling up and hibernating and taking time to contemplate and reflect. Tis the season for such things I suppose. Thankfully I have not yet begun to feel sad for lack of sunlight and warmth, that usually doesn't happen until February or so. I am so very thankful though, knowing that now the sun will be in the sky a little longer each day, instead of the other way 'round. So, tonight I will celebrate the return of the sun. For now, I think I will pop outside to watch the moon, it is quite lovely. I wish everyone a very wonderful solstice and hope you all will enjoy the return of the light as much as I will! Goodnight!

Burning Man, 2008 Festival Fun

2007-12-18T13:19:00.000-06:00

I have something exciting to announce.....I'm going to Burning Man!!!! WOOOOOO! I am SO excited! Just recently I had decided that since one of my lifelong goals is to have rewarding/enriching/enlightening/amazing/fun experiences that I should spend next year doing just that. The year is mostly open anyway and I'll be traveling to and fro around the country, so I decided that maybe I should just hit up some festivals while I'm at it. If we can make it happen, Rabbit, Wolf and I will be going to Starwood in upstate New York and I might make it out to Pagan Spirit Gathering in Ohio for Summer Solstice, unless I'm still busy camping in Oregon. Recently I had been considering Burning Man as well, since it just sounds like a very unique, crazy experience and I thought I'd want to go at least once in my life. Why not next year!? I hadn't seriously considered it until I found out that Pet was also thinking about going. I did some research a couple of days ago and the more I read about it and looked at pictures, the more I realized I wanted to go. I really just want to experience it all for myself. So, I called Pet up and....we're going! Well, we aren't 100% sure yet, he has to make sure to get off from work...but, tentatively, WE'RE GOING TO BURNING MAN!!! YEEEEAAAAHH!

The photo is of Black Rock City in 2006, and is here on Flickr.

Sweaty Vag Soap and Jesus Buttplugs (OR Hot Muffs)

2007-12-18T12:58:00.000-06:00

I'm really not going to write about vag soap and buttplugs (although they are both great topics), these things are just something the opening cook and I talked about this morning at work. I think my talk of hot muffs brought it up. You see, I make muffins every morning I work, so the word muff is used liberally when I am around. Lately I have been known to yell out something like, "Hot muffs! Hot muffs! Watch out I've got some hot muffs!" whilst carrying the muffins pans still hot from the oven through the kitchen. Y'know, I wouldn't want anyone getting burned from the muffin hotness. This morning I made some delicious peach raspberry coconut (with a hint of orange!) muffins and cut one up to try. I took the plate back to the kitchen so everyone else could try it and when the kitchen manager refused it, the owner said, "What's the matter? You don't want a bite of her muff?" Ah...that could probably constitute sexual harassment, but seeing as how the kitchen manager and owner are boinking, I don't think he cared. Wow, I work with some awesome people...

New Skill to be Acquired: Barista!

2007-12-14T16:51:00.001-06:00

I'm feeling good! I've been looking for another job for the past couple of months, and I finally found one today! I'm so glad! I will now be a barista at an awesome locally owned coffee shop. It was pretty easy too, I picked up an app yesterday, handed it directly to the owner today and we talked right then. I'll be starting next week, woot! I'll have the chance to work at their location downtown, or at their kiosks around town. This change will be really nice I think. Something new and different at least. And it means I'll have some coffee shop experience, so finding a job wherever else may be easier. I'm pretty glad to have found a job at another local business (woo for not working at Starbucks!). I was beginning to think I'd have to go corporate because I wasn't having much luck. Corporate working, while it has its perks, just doesn't seem as fun! Yeah new job!

Make less babies

2007-12-13T14:25:00.000-06:00

I found this on Global Orgasm and thought it was a great statement that I wanted to share:

"Let’s make children even more valued by making fewer of them, before the pressures of overpopulation drive our children to kill each other. "

Flickr Love

2007-12-12T11:52:00.001-06:00

Veinous
Originally uploaded by DaddyNewt

I've been spending a lot of time on Flickr lately. There are some really amazing photographers and images out there. The creativity just boggles my mind. If I spend a few minutes just surfing around, I always find something really awesome and I end up feeling very inspired. Something I love about Flickr is that not only are there some amazingly creative photographs floating around, but it's just a great resource. It's almost like a warehouse of images. I love using it for plant, fungi, bird and animal identification. There are a lot of group pools dedicated to just that, so all the photos in those pools are usually correctly labeled and tagged. So if I'm looking for a photo of Amanita muscaria, it's there. Or if I need to verify that it was a Cedar Waxwing I saw (one of my favorite birds btw), that's there as well. This awesome photo of some kind of winter squash is one of my favorites.

My love for William Orbit will never die

2007-12-12T10:55:00.000-06:00

Have I mentioned how much I love William Orbit? I would even have his beautiful and musically talented babies. And you all know how much I don't like babies. Wow. I mean, WOW. This music puts me in such an amazing place, it just blows me away every time I hear it.

Of all his music I have heard, I love Hello Waveforms the best. Such beautiful music. I just listened to They Live in the Sky on Pandora, and fell in love all over again.

Go here now. Listen to Sea Green. For me. Maybe you'll want to make sweet baby makin' love to William Orbit too. le sigh...

Fire Hooping

2007-12-11T17:53:00.000-06:00

I'll be doing this one day...

Domesticity and Fun in St. Louis

2007-12-09T13:00:00.002-06:00

This is me being the Domestic Goddess. The tough, fiercely independent Domestic Goddess, who sometimes likes to make sugar cookies. Delightfully awesome and tasty sugar cookies.

So, as I am sure is obvious by the photograph, I had a good time in St. Louis this past week. The sugar cookie making madness was enjoyed by both Pine and I. He was not afraid to step in and get his hands covered in flour. It was quite cute. I learned that Pine likes to bake, so score yet another point for Pine and his awesome-ness (first the fire-eating, now the baking! whew). It took us at least a couple of hours since I made the whole recipe, so there will be no shortage of sugar cookies at either of our houses anytime soon (that is unless my roommate who is even more of a whore for baked goods than I am gets a hold of them). We even mixed up several colors of frosting and laboriously iced each cookie. That doesn't mean they look very good...I mean really, there is not much finesse involved in icing cookies with a butter knife. However, they are quite colorful and very tasty, and that is all that really matters. It had been a while since I was so domestic. My other domestic activities of the week included making yummy vegan enchiladas, leek soup, late-night pancakes (great munchie food btw), a couple breakfasts and cleaning Pine's kitchen. I know how bachelor men's houses tend to be, and I need a clean kitchen to work in, so, voila! Clean kitchen.

I also spent a lot of time hooping this past week. Pine and I watched a few basic hooping videos, and while Pine was out one evening I finally got the hang of the one hand beam me up, although I have only perfected one rotation at a time. It made me feel good to learn a trick so quickly. Pine was impressed I think ;-) I can definitely feel where the hoop has been rolling around my hips, I even have a bruise already. Ha.

Remember the Shoes video that everyone loved so much a year or so ago? I remembered that I was very impressed with the fire hoopers towards the end, so I looked it up and watched it again with Pine. The fire hooping is pretty hot I have to say. One day, that'll be me.

Pine and I didn't go out much, except for Friday night. We met up with our cool friend Pet, who we have both been wanting to hang out with. I'm going to go off on a tangent here and tell the story of how I met Pet....
Last May, on a lark, (which seems like eons ago now) I went to a Beltane festival at Ozark Avalon with Owl, who is already very familiar with the land and folks who spend time there, unlike me. One of the first people we ran across after we had arrived and set up camp was a tall, tan man wearing nothing but sunglasses and a lacy sarong draped around his hips with a bikini clad woman in tow. I was only slightly taken aback by such a character, as Owl had informed me I would see oddly dressed folks and strange situations at this event. So, I was introduced to Pet. To be honest with you I wasn't very interested at first. I was actually quite guarded for most of the time I was there. I didn't speak with him much at all really and didn't think about him again until a couple of months later when I got a random phone call from an unknown number. The man said he was looking for Owl (who at one point was giving out my number as a way to get a hold of him) and we got to talking. It turns out he was the scantily clad man I had met months earlier at OA. He remembered me as the pretty woman Owl had brought along. It was a nice conversation, albeit a little odd considering the circumstances. He stopped by my work one morning a few days later when he was in town and I almost didn't recognize him because he had so many clothes on! He encouraged me to call him later on since we seemed to get on so well, and I was open to making a new friend, so...we started talking and became instant friends. At one point he told me something that a friend of his had said, "good people know good people". So true. We met again at Pagan Pride Day right around the time of Mabon this September and spent some time together chatting. So, it was nice to finally get to see him again.

So, like I was saying, Pine and I met Pet at a pool hall (where we did actually play a game and have some drinks) in preparation for going to an event which Pet had suggested, Journey to Bethlehem. This is something that he apparently used to go to years ago when some of his family members attended the same church. He wanted to go experience it again with friends he knew would understand the silliness of it all (he said to us at one point during our "journey" that he could "smell the hypocrisy", hehe). Wow. It was quite an odd experience. I think now I have had enough "church" to last me for quite a while. So after "walking to Bethlehem" outside in the very cold weather and being slightly disturbed, we headed back to reality. Pet suggested hitting up the casino just for fun. I wasn't ready to go home yet, and really, what would be a better way to end such an odd Friday night? So, away we went. We didn't actually go inside the casino itself, but we wandered all about and people watched. They all looked kinda sad, or drunk, or both. It wasn't overly exciting, but as I told Pine, it was a good way to balance out the church craziness. It was just great getting to see Pet again! I'd love to spend more time with both Pet and Pine, we seem to make a great trio.

So, that was my week in St. Louis. It was great getting away from my house for a while. I was actually able to sleep rather well at Pine's house. It's so much quieter there than here, without all those crazy dogs running about. I swear this house is like a circus....

Sugar Cookies and My Hooping Beginnings

2007-12-06T15:41:00.001-06:00

I'm in St. Louis for a visit right now, just keeping myself entertained while Pine is away for a few hours. I mixed up dough for sugar cookies this morning (frosting to be made next) so this evening we will go crazy with the cookies. I am so excited! When I was little, my family had a great sugar cookie tradition. Once a year during the holidays, we would gather in the kitchen and make tons of sugar cookies. My mom would mix up the dough and my sister and I would help her roll it out and cut them into shapes for baking. We would make all different colors of frosting and pull out our ridiculously large selection of sprinkles that we had acquired throughout the year. Then my dad would come along at some point and we'd all sit down at the table with the cooled cookies to frost and decorate all of them. It got quite crazy at times, with all sorts of weird colors and oddly decorated shapes. It was great fun! I really wanted to do that again this year since it's been a few years and Pine thought it was a great idea. So I'm really looking forward to it. I'll definitely get some photos!

Last night Pine and I made some hoops! It was quite easy and they turned out well. I've been playing with mine quite a bit, although I pretty much just have the basic hooping action down. I've been watching videos for some help, although I'm not finding a whole lot of super basic videos. It'd be helpful to have someone around who really knew what they were doing. It's still fun though and I feel like I'm getting a good workout when I do it. So, woo for hooping!

Did I mention I'm going to start hooping?

2007-12-01T21:32:00.001-06:00

That's right kids, I think I've found the toy I've been looking for. Pine and I will be acquiring the necessary supplies next week to start making hoops. I'm so excited! I've been spending a lot of time reading about hooping and watching videos. Here's one that, while not very trick heavy, is just sweet and so like me.

Some other cool hooping videos:
hooping at Santa Monica Beach
Bassnectar Jam
Spiral at Earth Dance Festival
Spiral Dance at Burning Man 2006
Hoopnoxious w/ LEDs
The Good Vibe Hoop Tribe
Blindfolded hooping to Old Dirty Bastard (you'll like this Willow ;-)

My hooping links on del.icio.us

Germans are fun. Really...

2007-12-01T20:03:00.000-06:00

hehe...

Winter Moons

2007-11-27T21:36:00.000-06:00

These clear autumn nights are so striking. The moon is incredibly bright and the sky such a rich shade of deepest blue. The naked trees frame the sky so nicely. The moon has begun to wane, from the top from where I am. Mars is a little above the moon, a red twinkle in the sky.

I can't quite pinpoint the feeling I get from these kinds of night skies. They do leave quite an impression on me. There is something lonely about them. I want to reach up and pat the moon, tell her she is not alone. I think what it is about these skies that is so striking is that they are hints of a long, dark, lonely winter. The time of the year to hibernate, save energies and reflect on the past year, to do that serious work if it needs doing. The kind of work only you can do. I am always left reflecting after gazing at such a moon in a clear, winter sky. Maybe it's just this time of year.

Ole Wolfie

2007-11-25T20:38:00.000-06:00

I just got back from Wolf's going away party, and I'm feeling pretty bummed. It was fun, I enjoyed hanging out with everyone, but it just made it so real! He's actually leaving!

Wolf is a pretty special guy, and I've really come to love and appreciate him this past year. My circumstances coming here were a little weird and my new home was almost totally ruined for me after Owl and I split. The only people I knew in town besides him were Rabbit and Wolf. I really feel that if it wasn't for the two of them, I wouldn't have stayed here. They made it feel more like home! It took me a little while to really warm up to them, especially considering their connection to Owl, but it didn't take me long to realize that we all had a special connection. It seems we come from the same tribe, and it feels really good to find your people! It also didn't take long for me to start considering Wolf the big brother I always wanted and never had. He said to Rabbit that I was like the little sister he could pick on. He's lucky I'm so forgiving! hehe! I am deeply grateful to have such a friend as Wolf. After the night when I kept him up late talking with Rabbit, then called him on my way home to ask him to help me push my car out of the street (he was there in five minutes!) even though he had to be up super early AND Rabbit was moving the very next morning, it really hit me what a great friend I've got. Not that I didn't already know of course, but some moments just really remind you of what you've got. Under that wild man look (hehe!), he's got a very good heart that really cares. He's a good, warm soul. I will miss him terribly!! Wolf and Rabbit: I've never had friends before who felt like my real family. You two are definitely the family of my heart. I love you!!

Socializing and lack of sleep

2007-11-25T13:18:00.000-06:00

I am just exhausted, from too much socializing. Or, much more than I am used to anyway. I keep staying up way too late even though I know I have to get up at 5:30. After several days of this, I'm now really feeling it. Thank goodness I have all day to recuperate! It's been good though, actually getting out and doing stuff. I went to a party (woh, I never go to parties) on Friday night for a bunch of people I work with who are moving away. It was a good time for sure, with a big fire (what a beautiful night!), special "superpowers" and cool people. I stayed out by the fire for most of the night, winter isn't so bad as long as you've got a warm fire to sit by.

Wolf will be joining Rabbit in the big city in a couple of days, so I've been bummed out today. I cried a little this morning before I went to work :-( I'll miss old Wolfie! There's a going away party tonight for him that I'm going to go to. It'll be interesting I'm sure.

I've been missing Pine lately, I'm really looking forward to seeing him again, hopefully soon! I have hopelessly fallen for him and am already distracted. It's crazy. I've learned that you definitely can't just plan these things, life just happens whether or not you want it to. And that is okay with me.

More Love, and Kale!

2007-11-18T14:31:00.000-06:00

I just had a good conversation with a great friend of mine (haven't yet picked a cool fake name yet ;-) during which we discussed the limitations of the English language as far as the word 'love' goes. We only have one word for love and we apply it to all kinds of love: familial love, friend love, passionate love, love for inanimate objects and ideas etc etc. He told me that the Greek language has four words for love. How cool is that?!

I picked up some kale at the farmers' market yesterday. I haven't had a whole lot of experience with kale, either eating it or cooking with it. I like it! Last night I made a dinner of it with carrots and broccoli, all steamed together. I added a homemade tahini sauce and some lemon pepper, it was quite yummy! I'm always happy to learn that I like something that is so good for you. It doesn't get much better than those dark leafy greens! According to NutritionData, one cup of raw kale has over 200% of your daily dose of vitamin A, over 100% vitamin C and 9% calcium. They didn't have options for steamed kale, only boiled. I know cooking affects how many nutrients are available to your body (sometimes making more or less nutrients available) and I'd be interested in seeing the difference between steamed and boiled. Anyways, woo kale!

Ok, end nerdiness.

Love

2007-11-16T16:36:00.000-06:00

Why are men so damn distracting? Sigh. I've never before had to deal with seriously liking more than one man at a time. Well, okay, in love with one and REALLY "in like" with another one. It's very strange. I find my brain pairing the two of them up with me, pinning them up against a wall, looking at their faces and watching our scenes play. How each of them is to me, the things they say and do. How they are the same, how they are different. My history with Owl, my present with Pine. I think about what a future with either one of them would be like. I wonder if I will ever have to choose. I don't like thinking about that, so I don't always get too far. I miss Owl so much and I am sad that we didn't have much of a chance (sometimes I think I'd like to try it again). I am excited about this thing with Pine at the same time though. I am really fighting this "one true love" idea that our society perpetuates. I think that we are capable of loving many people, and we do. A lot of people just remain in long-term monogamous relationships. So, I'm trying to chill out and enjoy this present moment with Pine, because there is no reason why I should keep myself from experiencing love with other people. There is so much loving to do! (as cheesy as that sounds...) Just because I love one person does not mean I cannot love another. At this moment in time, I don't think I would be able to fully give my heart to one person. I am okay with that.

Into the Wild

2007-11-15T12:54:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I went to go see Into the Wild. Both Wolf and Rabbit had given it rave reviews a couple of weeks ago, saying it was definitely the best movie they had seen this year. And these guys watch A LOT of movies, so....I figured I could trust them. I was not led astray! My expectations were even set too low. It was amazing! Everything about this movie I loved. The way it was filmed, the acting, the characters, the settings, the narration. It definitely evoked in me more emotion than any film I have ever watched before. I even cried. Several times. Movies very rarely make me cry. Although I know that part of it is because of my own experiences and where I am in my life that made it very easy for me to relate to the main character, Chris McCandless. A few of the scenes I remember in detail that evoked some serious emotion for me. One in which Chris is running amongst a herd of wild elk in Alaska, smiling and laughing, another in which he comes into a beautiful Alaskan valley with majestic snow covered mountains encircling him. He throws his head back, opens wide his arms and at that moment I could feel the freedom that comes with being in such a place, being SO far away. And the insights! He meets some neat people along the way and affects them in a profound way, giving them such amazing insights. I heard myself saying during these moments, through the tears "Yes! Yes! This is what it's about!" I didn't even want to get up and leave after it was over. There was just so much to process. I mean, that could be me, the way he felt about the world, society and what is REALLY important in this life. It all made perfect sense to me, and really made me think about what the hell I am doing. It made me feel sad, excited, angry, frustrated, bewildered, and so full, full of what, I'm not sure. Full of the weight of the world maybe, the pain that this world brings. Sometimes it just hurts. When I got home, I sat down and just started crying. I wasn't even sure why. I came to the conclusion that it was the pain of this fake world, this crazy world that I don't feel I belong in, that makes no sense to me and yet is all I know. I feel like I'm missing something, something that I have never had, a lifestyle completely different than what I know now. It wasn't always like this!

I'm not really sure what else to say. Although I am happy that I went by myself. That was the first time I had ever gone to a movie alone, and it was awesome! I don't think I would have had the same experience had I been with someone else. It was almost liberating, going alone.

I'd love to read the book sometime. I do have a copy at my parents' house I'll have to pick up the next time I'm there. The photo is a self-portrait of the real Christopher McCandless taken in Alaska.

Quotes from the movie
Quotes from the book

Books on Paganism

2007-11-14T11:25:00.000-06:00

Just a list of books I'm interested in reading or at least thumbing through that have to do with Paganism, Wicca and spirituality. I have created this list from the resources sections of Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler and Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religions by Joyce and River Higginbotham.

Real Magic by Issac Bonewits
Working Inside Out: Tools for Change by Margo Adair
Daughters of Copper Woman by Anne Cameron
A Witches Bible by Janet and Stewart Farrar
The Sea Priestess by Dion Fortune
Witchcraft Today (pdf) by Gerald B. Gardner
The Meaning of Witchcraft by Gerald B. Gardner
Witchcraft, the Sixth Sense by Justine Glass
Womanspirit Rising: A Feminist Reader in Religion by Carol P. Christ and Judith Plaskow
Changing of the Gods: Feminism and the End of Traditional Religions by Naomi Goldenberg
The White Goddess by Robert Graves
Woman and Nature: The Roaring Inside Her by Susan Griffin
Mother Wit: A Feminist Guide to Psychic Development by Diane Mariechild
The New Polytheism by David Miller
The Witch Cult in Western Europe by Margaret A. Murray
The Nag Hammadi Library
The Spiral Dance by Starhawk
An ABC of Witchcraft Past and Present by Doreen Valiente
Positive Magic: Ancient Metaphysical Techniques for Modern Lives by Marion Weinstein
The Grandmother of Time: A Woman's Book of Celebrations, Spells, and Sacred Objects for Every Month of the Year by Zsuzsanna Budapest
Celebrate the Earth: A Year of Holidays in the Pagan Tradition by Laurie Cabot
Wheel of the Year: Living the Magical Life by Pauline Campanelli
To Ride a Silver Broomstick by Silver Ravenwolf
The Pagan Book of Living and Dying by Starhawk
Dancing with the Wheel by Sun Bear, Wabun Wind, and Crysalis Mulligan
When God was a Woman by Merlin Stone
The Encyclopedia of Witches and Witchcraft by Rosemary Guiley
Wholeness and the Implicate Order by David Bohm
The Perennial Philosophy by Aldous Huxley
Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain
Modern Sex Magick: Secrets of Erotic Spirituality by Donald Michael Kraig
Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham

Work Stresses and Rabbit

2007-11-13T13:09:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling down the last couple of days, and I think a lot of it has to do with work. I am SO over that place! It's cool and all, but the politics and drama and ridiculousness are all getting to be too much. I'm just getting so frustrated with how things are there, it's just not worth it anymore. Especially considering what I am getting paid. I'm just bummed that even though it's a cool place, it has so many issues and being there just makes me unhappy. So, onwards and upwards! I've been applying at other places around town, mostly downtown. I'm trying to decide whether or not I should sell out and work for the man, although I would much rather work for another local place. We'll see. It's not too urgent that I leave my current job, so I'm not too stressed about finding another one. I did just snag a gig cleaning someone's shop and house once a week, which will give me a little extra cash. It's not much, but every little bit counts.

I am really starting to feel Rabbit's absence. I miss having a girlfriend around! We had a long phone conversation on my way home from St. Louis on Saturday, which was great! It was really nice to catch up and talk about some things that are important to both of us. I am deeply grateful for Rabbit, it's been awesome getting to know her and discovering that we have a lot in common. I feel especially connected with her because we are walking the same paths in our lives right now. Feeling things out, learning, exploring. I'm happy to have someone with whom I can share my feelings, questions and thoughts about our Pagan explorations, without feeling like such an amateur. There are other friends I can talk with about Paganism, but since we are both just getting into it, I feel more comfortable discussing it with Rabbit. Also, it's been such a blessing having someone around who is having the same feelings of fear, frustration, confusion and bewilderment about life in general as I do. I feel much less alone knowing that. And we can talk about these things! That's especially important.

I started on a new jigsaw puzzle last night. Woo geekitude!

How sweet would this be?? Why do we have to be so puritanical in this country?

Fun in St. Louis

2007-11-12T13:38:00.002-06:00

Last week I headed to St. Louis for several days for a much needed break from the monotony and frustration of the mundane world. Most of the week I spent with Pine at his cute, cozy house in the 'burbs, just relaxing and enjoying getting to know him more. It is much quieter at his house than mine, so I had lots of good, uninterrupted sleep and I slept in quite late most mornings, which was rather unintentional, but nice for a change. We geeked out a lot with jigsaw puzzles, video games, looking stuff up on Wikipedia and playing with legos. There were plenty of other kinds of fun as well, but I will spare you all the details...

One afternoon Pine and I went to Laumeier Sculpture Park, which was lots of fun. We just wandered all about and climbed on things we weren't supposed to climb on. I'm actually in one of the sculptures at the park in this photo. It was a nice, warm afternoon and I had fun wandering about and playing in the woods with Pine. We were a little spontaneous after the park and decided to head down to the loop to meet up with Willow, whom I just had to see while I was in town! On the way, Pine showed me one of his favorite spots on the WashU campus, "the tree". It was a nice little spot to relax for a bit. So, I met up with Willow and we ate at the awesome falafel place that we both love and had some girl time to catch up before Pine came back (he went home to collect his fire gear). It was great! The food was good too, mmmtabbouleh.... Then Pine and Willow were introduced, and it went well. I think she already has a higher opinion of Pine than she does of Owl. That's not very shocking really.

Then it was fire time! We met up with one of Pine's friends and they played with their fire toys while Willow and I watched and giggled. It was so awesome! I had of course seen Pine eat fire before, but this was the first time I had seen him spin poi. I was quite impressed, and even more turned on ;-) There are some photos on my flickr, although they definitely don't convey the excitement of watching fire spinning in person, but...they'll do. Both Pine and his friend were fun to watch, they performed some pretty neat tricks. It was just a nice evening getting to spend some time with Willow and being so graciously entertained by Pine and his cool friend. I was quite happy that Willow and Pine got along so well. It seems she thinks he is a good pick, yay!

The next evening, Friday, Pine and I stayed in and had fun together. We rolled for a little while, and it was definitely an experience. I didn't feel the physical sensations as strongly as I expected, but I definitely opened up more emotionally. We spent a lot of time talking and being totally honest. It was as if the barriers I have put up were temporarily broken down. I got a little emotional about Owl and clued Pine in on some of what I have been feeling, things I had been keeping quiet about. I think he was surprised at a sudden, unexpected outpouring of emotion. I don't know if I was ready or not to tell him those things, but...I don't feel regret. In that moment I felt very safe, and comfortable with Pine. It was reassuring that he was very much in that moment with me and was able to share with me as well. I think we've had similar experiences with love, and for some reason that made me feel glad. He has never made me feel bad for still loving someone else, nor has he ever made me feel pressured to do or say or be anything. Also, there is nothing expected, and that is a good feeling. So far we have just been in the moment, and that is working rather well. So, back to Friday night...mostly we just sat on the couch in candlelight listening to chill music and enjoying each other. We talked a lot, about a lot of things I don't remember, and of course touched a lot. We had picked up some strawberries earlier in the evening and they were a very good investment. I've never had more fun being fed strawberries, or feeding strawberries to someone else. Mmm! :-D

It was a GREAT week, I so needed to get away from my little world here, as it can really bring me down sometimes. It wasn't too hard coming back, but our little fake world really is mundane.

Pine as Fire Eater

2007-11-11T16:32:00.001-06:00

I had never thought much about fire eating before I met Pine, nor had I ever seen anyone doing it in person. Since I have seen it with my own eyes now, I think it's pretty damn hot. More so than I probably would have thought had I ever really thought about fire eating before. I'm not sure what's so hot about it, well...that's not totally true. It can be quite suggestive....and I guess the risk involved turns me on a little too. Pine demonstrated his fire eating skills for me when we went camping together for the first time a few weeks ago, and I tell you what, that was it for me. I was easy pickin' after that. Thinking about his performance that evening still gives me butterflies. I suppose around other people he probably isn't quite as suggestive with it, but...whew. He sure knows how to make a girl blush. Combine that with his fire eating talents and....yeah...I swoon. Is that silly?

Owl Love

2007-11-05T14:01:00.000-06:00

I just talked with dearest Owl. Le sigh. I love that man. I can't help it. This is a kind of love that doesn't go away, that just grows stronger as time goes on, no matter what I try to do to forget it. It amazes me how limitless and forgiving this love has proved to be, despite all the pain that is attached to it. Love can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be a great, hurtful burden. Sometimes it is both things at once, and I have felt that duality more than a few times this past year. I feel like I am being torn in different directions. At times I feel my love for this man wash over me, I get lost in daydreams and I want nothing else but to be with him again. I remember the sweetest moments, the kindest words, the times when the world dissolved, and I play them over and over in my head. At other times the pain of our separation seems overwhelming and I can't make sense of any of it. Did all of that really happen? Was that happiness just a dream? And yet at other times I remember all the crazy stuff that happened between us and I rationalize with my heart, I think and analyze instead of feel. I think about the things he did that hurt me, the things he said that made me cry, all those hurtful little moments. I tell myself that I deserve better, and I do. But what about second chances? How do you just give up on a love like that? I don't know! I just don't know. There is nothing else to do except to just keep going. Just keep taking steps, living my life. Despite the fact that I am still in love with him and that he still loves me, I have to keep going, for my own sake. I already know this and have been making great progress these past few months. These random phone conversations just cause me to reflect and they almost always serve to remind me of how much I still love him. I can't forget him, and I don't ever want to. He will always hold a piece of my heart, my dear Owl, coyote trickster, wild Scorpio, mad laughing artist and beautiful being.

This is a testimonial I wrote for him on another site:
"Oh boy, are you in for a wild ride! This man will make you laugh til you cry (or pee your pants, he'll even pee his pants to make you laugh!), he will show you beauty that you have missed, he will lead you into the wilds and pour out his extensive knowledge of the natural world without getting you lost, he will share with you his wisdom, he will listen to you, he will delight you with tales true and exaggerated, he will show you a good time that won't soon be forgotten and he will definitely color your world. All of this just over a cup of tea! No one has ever made me laugh as much and as often, no one has ever inspired me more, no one has left as unique a mark on my life as he. I am deeply grateful for this man, my dear, wise Owl, coyote trickster, wild Scorpio, master gardener, talented musician and artist extraordinaire, jester of many stripes, mad hatter, storyteller divine and beautiful being. My dearest Owl, you will always have a piece of my heart."

Wisdom

2007-11-02T10:37:00.001-05:00

Copied from my old blog: a collection of quotes and poems I come to when I need inspiration, a reality check or some positive affirmation. I welcome suggestions!

“To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better…To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
The time is right to mix sentences with dirt and the sun with punctuation and the rain with verbs, and for worms to pass through question marks, and the stars to shine down on budding nouns, and the dew to form on paragraphs.
-Richard Brautigan, Please Plant This Book
To be of the Earth is to know
the restlessness of being a seed
the darkness of being planted
the struggle toward the light
the pain of growth into the light
the joy of bursting and bearing fruit
the love of being food for someone
the scattering of your seeds
the decay of the seasons
the mystery of death
and the miracle of birth.
-John Soos
“The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”
-Gandhi
“But for the sake of some little mouthful of flesh, we deprive a soul of the sun and light, and of that proportion of life and time they had been born to enjoy.”
-Plutarch, Moralia
“When the earth is ravaged and the animals are dying, a new tribe of people shall come unto the earth from many colors, classes, creeds, and who by their actions and deeds shall make the earth green again. They will be known as the warriors of the Rainbow”
-Old Native American Prophecy
“Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”
-Goethe
“What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.”
-Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator
“We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.”
-Native American Proverb
“The difference between loneliness and solitude is your perception of who you are alone with and who made the choice.”
-anonymous
"You are the only person who can forgive yourself. Once that forgiving has taken place, you can then console yourself with the knowledge that a diamond is the result of extreme pressure ... The pressure can make you something quite precious, quite wonderful, quite beautiful and extremely hard."
-Maya Angelou
"I found God in myself and I loved her fiercely."
-Ntozake Shange
There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.
-Lord Byron
"I will age ungracefully until I become an old woman in a small garden, doing whatever the hell I want."
-Robin Chotzinoff

Merry Samhain!

2007-11-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

I wanted to share the Samhain love:
-the Wikipedia entry
-Samhain on Chalice Centre
-Samhain lore on wicca.com

Wolf likes to say that you can always tell which Pagans are either brand new or just being posers when they pronounce Samhain the way it looks, instead of "sow-in". Ha.

I see this as a time to reflect on the experiences and adventures of the past year and to prepare for the coming winter (read: the cold and dark). I think winter can be a time of regeneration and renewal and Samhain marks the beginning of this time. As the weather cools, I will be spending more time inside and less time running around. This will give me a chance to do some serious thinking and reflecting. At least that's what I'd like this winter's focus to be. As much as I will miss the summer, the warmth and the sun, having less distractions will be a good opportunity for me.

Many people see Samhain as a time to communicate with departed loved ones, as it is when the veil between the two worlds is the thinnest (the other times being May Day and Midsummer). Samhain eve always seems rather witchy to me, and a great time to be out in the woods! This has not been a focus for me this year though, since I have thankfully not lost anyone close to me.

Unfortunately I did not do much of all for Samhain. Rabbit, Wolf and I had planned to go out to the woods, have a fire and play around. Rabbit and I were even going to dress up as faeries (well, I was going to be a woodland pixie). We ended up just hanging out and watching a movie like we normally do since Rabbit still had things to prepare for her move (she left today!). There is always next year, right?

Exploring Rocky Fork and Friend Time

2007-10-29T12:55:00.001-05:00

The past few days have been absolutely beautiful, so I have been making sure to take advantage! I want to enjoy this weather as much as I can before winter comes. So on Saturday, I had a wild hair to get out and explore some. A good friend of mine had told me how cool it is out at Rocky Fork, which is where Rabbit, Wolf, Owl and I would always go swimming in the summer. I had only been as far as the swimming hole, so I wanted to wander farther and see what I found. It was so nice! I didn't get out there until 3 or so, but it was a good time. The light was perfect, the sun kept me warm and I still had plenty of time for exploring. I found all sorts of great little nooks and peaceful spots. It was so nice to just be able to wander about wherever I fancied to go, mostly off the road. I took so many photos, so I'll just let those do most of the talking. I really enjoyed the time alone, although I do love going hiking with friends.

Yesterday evening I went walking on the Bear Creek Trail with Rabbit. While she ran, I wandered about listening to and watching the birds, picking a lovely autumn bouquet and just enjoying the crisp evening. We walked together some and had some good girl time. I don't think either one of us has totally realized that Rabbit is leaving so soon! I'm trying to get in as much time with my beloved Rabbit as I can. I won't be able to see her again until next summer, which seems entirely too long! I'm already looking forward to visiting her and Wolf though, we've already made plans ;-) After our walk, we went back to her house and hung out with Wolf all evening. We played a game of Outburst, us girls against Wolf, and we won, despite the fact that I wasn't even paying attention half the time because I was a little out of it...ha. I love those guys!

Also, yesterday I finally got to catch up with my dearest Willow (a.k.a. Alpaca Son). It was so nice! I am so grateful for her, and so happy that we understand each other so well. Relationships like that are the stuff of a good life. It's such a huge part of being human!

At Home in the Woods

2007-10-25T13:45:00.001-05:00

Oh camping is so much fun! My most recent trip was this past Sunday afternoon through Monday morning, which was much too short but was all the time we had. Since beloved Rabbit is moving far away very soon (in exactly one week!), we all very much wanted to get in one last camping excursion and trip before she left and this was the last chance we had. So, as early as we could on Sunday, Rabbit, Wolf and I headed out to a previously found campsite about a half hour east of town. It was perfect! Free camping, absolutely no neighbors, peaceful and very good energy, what more could we ask? Well, less horse poo would have been nice, but all in all it was a great spot. We set up camp, explored, gathered and organized firewood and prepared for our trip while we waited for Pine to arrive. Once he got there, Pine and I set up our sleeping quarters (see photo) and then...off we went!

It was a good trip. All of us went on a little excursion together before the light died to a dried up creekbed. That's when we are the quietest, entry. So we sat and soaked everything up in the dying twilight, us beginning to peak. The beautiful, subdued fall colors were beginning to pop, and combined with the blacks and grays of the bare trees and the myriad of textures and patterns created in that dusky light, created magic for the eyes. It was a bit rough for me though, but thankfully that doesn't last too long. We lost Wolf for a while, so it was just Rabbit, Pine and I wandering back closer to camp. We found a nice clearing where we could lay down and watch the clouds pass over the moon. It was like a dance. The dusky, smoky purple and gray clouds were fringed with deep oranges and yellows and they would occasionally break to tease you with the slightest glimpse of the amazingly bright moon, waxing past half. Wolf came back soon enough, barefoot and barechested, ready to start spinning his stick. It was mindblowing this time! Such speed and accuracy! It looked pretty awesome too. It's always fun to watch Wolf spin his stick, it's very magical.

Soon we headed back to camp where Pine and I spent some time together while Rabbit and Wolf went off again somewhere to play (it actually worried me later that I couldn't find them! I was like a little lost wolf pup wandering about barefoot along the dirt road howling, listening for a response, wandering, yipping). I, of course, had to have my alone time to commune with the Earth amongst the trees and mosses on the forest floor. It's like worshipping really, paying my deep respects to the greater whole that we are all a part of. So, I had to occasionally wander off alone, I even had to stop Pine from following me once because I needed to be just me. Every time I came wandering out of the forest I was either growling and yipping or calling his name, ha. It really brings out the animal in me.

The two of us were very unsuccessful at starting a fire when we had decided we wanted one, we even totally demolished the prearranged teepee made out of kindling and paper that Wolf had prepared. When they got back from their excursion, Wolf set out to start the fire (after gently berating us with a slight smile on his face and that little gleam in his eye) and to all our delights he furnished us with a warm, roaring fire, the glowing coals of which drew us all in for the rest of the night. Then Wolf brought out his flute (no tears this time!) which did not fail to bring out in me deep feelings and a strong sense of a brother/sister connection. I feel very strongly that Wolf is the big brother I never had. Pine decided to entertain us with his awesome fire eating skills and Wolf accompanied him for a while, which was lots of fun! The rest of the evening we just watched the fire, talked, watched the stars and moon after the clouds all cleared up and just enjoyed the night and each other. Pine and I stayed up for a while after Rabbit and Wolf went to bed and then eventually headed that way ourselves.

Rabbit had to get back to the real world for work in the morning, so her and Wolf left fairly early. Pine and I stayed around a bit, doing some exploring and breaking down camp. I would have liked to stay longer as I really did not want to go back, but it was getting quite chilly. So we decided to head back to town for lunch and a rest before Pine had to head home. I had a hard time coming back, it seems to get harder every time! Work was almost painful the next day, even though I'd had plenty of rest. Dealing with our reality, this "real" world, can be incredibly frustrating, especially after such a trip.

So, despite the fact that it was entirely too short, our camping trip was great. Quite refreshing and very needed.

Hello Blogger, We Meet Again

2007-10-25T13:29:00.000-05:00

I am abandoning my much beloved blog and domain name that served me well for three years in the hopes of leaving behind the internet creepies I have inadvertently picked up through the years, in exchange for this shiny new blog. I am definitely giving up a few things, and am slightly disappointed in myself for blogging with a big corporate service after being "independent" for so long (although I have used Blogger in the past). However, I think this new blog will work well for me since it is easier to deal with, it works with flickr and is generally hassle-free (read: less code and less downtime!). Also I think it will be good for me to make a clean break from the past, which my old blog represents. History is good, but so is starting over. Hello new blog :-)